Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Birthday Wishes

It's their 1st Birthday,
I don't even know
where to begin.
So instead of wishing
over candles on cakes
that are not mine.
I am going to wish
over this...
I wish that
this little boy of mine
sees the potential
I see in him.
I wish that
this baby girl of mine
never stops
even if it is
half crooked
just like her mommy's smile
when she was a little girl.
I wish that 
this bond
is forever
and uplifting.

I wish that
those who are not here
with us today
but are watching
leaves fall gently
to the earth
continue to guide us
with their love.
I wish that
he will always
walk forward
with his head up
and his heart open.
I wish that
she will continue
to sing
so that the world
can share
in her heart's
I wish that
these two
will forever
I wish that
they will one day be
90 years young
appreciating life
enjoying life
sharing life.
I wish that
they will recieve
the gift of life
like they have given
to me.
Happy Birthday!
Easton John & Azalea Jayne

Thursday, September 22, 2011

getting here

This is
what it feels like
when you want something
so bad
but it just
you wish
you pray
you will
you want
and it just
doesn't happen
you try
to speak
but it's
not the same
in your heart
you know
one day
but just
not today
the waiting
the silence
the isolation

the sadness
in your
the growth
the experience
the wisdom
the pain
in your
you release.

Getting pregnant
felt impossible
here I am
a year
of their


Monday, September 19, 2011

Eye Report

Easton had an Eye Apt today.
Very GOOD news
his eye is stable.
The pressure in both eyes
was similar and low,
no glaucoma!
His retina and optic nerve
looked good.
The stalk thing
from his PFV
was not an issue.
He has a clear line of
vision through his eyeball.

He is to continue
wearing his contact.
He is to continue
patching about 6 hours a day.
His contact size and prescription
did not change this time.
We go back
every three months.
Dr. thinks next time
contact will change.

Soooo we are down
to two contact back ups.
Yes, we lost yet another contact
the night I got home
from amazing yoga
I tried to channel
positive energy
and just let it be.
If we use up
the remaining two
before the next apt.
we are to call the Dr.
before getting more.

I started asking questions  :)
Will he EVER be a
good candidate for a
permanent lens implant?
aka. no more daily contact
answer... probably not.
Slightly disappointed.
Well... very disappointed.
His PFV left his eye
so abnormal that
he lacks the eye structures to
safely anchor the lens.
Dr. feels we can
revisit the possibility
when he is around age 8.
But at that point
we have a better chance
hoping for new technology
than any change in his eye.

Next question...
when will he get glasses?
Right now the contact
allows him to see 20/20
about 4 ft at the most
in front of him.
When he needs to see further
he will need glasses
and his contact.
So when he is about 3 or 4 years.
Starting school
seeing the chalk board, etc.
He will get glasses.

Next question...
Will he then wear glasses
He will need to wear
his contact for near sight
and his glass for far sight
to see out of his
"bad" eye
Now you can see
why I was hoping
he could get the
permanent lens implant.
One less piece of
vision equipment.
By the way,
even with the implant
he would still need glasses.
The perm lens is only set
to one distance
either near or far.

Next question...
Will he always have to
patch for half his wake time?
aka. 6+ hours.
In other words,
will he be patching at school?
Not necessarily.
His patch time
could be a minimum of 4 hours
around the age of 3 or 4.
Thus he could patch
after school.

I am happy.
I am grateful.
This was a good visit.
Dr. says Easton
is one of her
most successful cases!
But there is still
a knot in my stomach.
Going there
hearing the facts
just makes it all still
feel real.
And when it feels real
there is still a
long road ahead,
no turning back,
the chance that things
could change,
and no magic anything
to make is all

I'll get over it though.
This is a place
that is very familiar.
I try not to let myself
come here often.
This is were I cry a little
and pray for my baby boy.
And then I...
count my blessings
blog about it
and read other blogs
who know exactly
how this feels.

During the office visit
Easton was a champ.
No major meltdowns
Dr. could get to his eye.
He participated in all the
look here, look there tests.
Even putting the contact in
went well enough.

I told the Dr. about
my online eye buddies.
How in the beginning
all this felt so isolating.
And how the blog community
has saved my sanity.
I wanted to make sure
if she had future parents
she could point them
in a direction
of support.
I told her I was going to
blog about today's visit!
I think she is reading this
right now!
Hi Dr.!  :)

Now back to
Seeing the Distance!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Yoga is amazing!

I miss it.
I truly do.
the supplies
the classroom
the students
I know what I am doing
is important though.
I am raising
my children.
I can return to work
but I can't return
to their childhood.
So I brought the classroom to them.
Well tried anyway...
big paper taped to the floor
a crayon for each of us
they watched, I scribbled
they attempted, I applauded
they moved on qucikly
I got my fix.
They made more marks
on the crayons
than they did on the paper!
What can I say
an artist has to start somewhere
getting to know your materials
doesn't hurt.
I have to say
there is something about this tree.
It calls me
us to it.
On our way there
the wind speaks.
Nature begins to say hello.
A beautiful monarch butterfly
crossed the street with us.
And two more butterflies
danced with us across the field
as we made our way there.
Then we have moments
where the sun peaks through
and I feel so blessed.
This tree shares
it's roots
it's strength
it's comfort

it's love.
I feel like it is
our family,
our family tree!
I went to yoga last night
for the first time in a long time
it was much needed to say the least.
But during the flow
I envisioned and became
our tree.
I felt
my roots
my strength
my comfort
my love.
Yoga is amazing!

Easton wants to walk
really bad!
He took a few wobbly steps
to me for the first time
where else...
at the tree.
Azalea is right behind him.
She is letting go
and standing for longer periods.
Do you think she is going to
look back at this pic and say
"mom! what was I wearing?!"
I may miss my job
my old self
my old life, but
these kids are my life.
They are everything.
We may go to the tree.
But I know 
I am
their tree.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Month by Month

Ok so I tried.
They are going
to be a year old
in two weeks!!!
Sep. 28th
I just can't
believe it.
I was looking back
at all the pictures.

And I tried.
I wanted to see
how they have
each month.
I'll admit it,
my mom told me so.
She told me to
sit them down
each month
and take their picture.
I didn't.
I just took
a zillion pictures!

Trying to find
a good shot
of each
of them
on the same day
about a month apart
and yes
without the patch
seemed impossible.
This is the best
I got.

I wish I had
I wish I was
more organized.
I wish they were
in the same spot
each month.
The old me
would have
done that.
But this is
the changed me.
The new mom
of twins!
I tried.

Easton John is born.
Azalea Jayne is born.
1 Month
1 Month
2 Months
2 Months
3 Months
3 Months
4 Months
4 Months
5 Months
5 Months
6 Months
6 Months
7 Months
7 Months

8 Months
8 Months
9 Months
9 Months
10 Months
10 Months
11 Months
11 Months

I remember
every picture.
I remember
every moment.
The beginning
is bitter sweet
a little hazy.
The middle
just went by
so fast.
And the end
even faster!
It's hard
to imagine
that eventually
months will turn
into years.

And PS.
I wanted to put
them side by side
basically smaller pictures
in two colums
but in this blogger thing
I don't know how?!

PPS. Thanks Missy!
I was able to
put the pics how I want.
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