Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Dear Eyepatch

ok so I am
going to try to
write this
without sounding
bitter or angry
because I'm not
in 2 1/2 years
I have grown
gained perspective
but there are times
when patching
STILL sucks

a few other imoms
have recently written
similar posts
Anderson's Bobble aka. Mom
Austin's Mom
Tommy's Mom
I have since been
in my own experience
it kinda feels like
an imom homework assignment
YES, I challenge
the rest of you imoms
or anyone really
living with a daily
necessary nemesis
this is not easy
it's been rattling around
in my head
for a while now
I guess I'm
just gonna go for it
just gonna be honest

Dear Eyepatch,
I never really imagined
you in my life
really I had no clue
you existed until
I was forced to
stick you on my
beautiful baby boy's
sweet innocent face

in the beginning
I will admit
I was in complete denial
of the relationship
you and I would develop
I was determined
to ignore you
and to not let you
define my son
or my family

in fact this sounds
so ridiculous now
but I refused
to take your picture
thinking that some how
I could avoid you
and my camera
and all the moments
you would steal
but I quickly
and coldly realized
you were going to win
that battle

you are on my son's face
for most of the day
for nearly the next
his entire childhood
I would be the fool
to not accept that
to not capture him
his life
let's be clear
I'm not photographing you
I am remembering HIM

so here it is
the first photo
had to dig for this one
I remember it clearly
Easton was barely
3 months old
Christmas time
Daddy was watching football
it was time to patch
and he wrote on you
it was the first time
we tried having fun
with you
all I remember is
it was painful
I really didn't find you
very fun at all
back then

but with or without you
my baby boy
was growing
cooing and moving
smiling and seeing
he was
he is
so brave
you covered
you hid
his strength
his strong eye
and he just kept
right on going
how could I not

you collected many things
along the way
eyelashes for one

tears for another
many many tears
Easton's and mine
to say that you
haven't created a wake of
sadness anger frustration fear
in your path
would be a lie
but now
I am happy to say
we still cry
but much less
over you
we have better
things to do

Easton finds many things
to do with you
other than keep you
on his face
but overall
I think he tolerates you
quite well
he knows you
are his
he knows you
belong on his eye
he knows you
are not an option
sometimes he even
asks for you
when you don't need
to be around
I do wonder
other than happiness
how he will feel
when you are
not around anymore
or for that matter
how I will feel

for a long time
I really just
wanted you
to blend in
I liked that you
were boring
and beige
you had already
created enough
of a distraction
I felt we noticed
you less
and saw him more
when you matched
his skin tone

however the bottom line is
and overtime
and with support
I began to embrace you
and dare I say it
have a little fun
with you
this is Easton's first
colorful patch
yes, I willingly
photographed this one

is a funny thing
is no easy thing
as much as
anyone would like to say
it is like a switch
on or off
yes or no
real true acceptance
of a challenge
or difficulty in life
takes time
it's a perspective gained
a path walked down
an experience
a stage grown into
and with a year
of boring, medical patches
we were ready
to change you
to gain some control
over you

I was ready to
accept that if you
had to stick around
we might as well
have some fun

and again
let's just be clear
you are NOT fun
really and truly
I am sorry
but I hated you
and in some ways
still do... remember that
acceptance thing
it takes time
but you see
when we have fun with you
people notice
well they noticed
when we didn't have fun either
but I digress

people see you
all bright and colorful
covering my child's eye
and they can't help it
they open their mouth
and while sometimes
they try to mean well
they are curious
they are compassionate
but what they don't realize
they are countless
one of the many
many many many
comments about you
and I just instantly 
get annoyed
get angry
mostly because
it's not about you
it's about HIM
I still get worked up
because I just don't understand
why people can't simply
see past you
past the freackin patch
and see him
say something about

that is
and will continue
to be my biggest fear
until you go away
that people
adults kids
Easton's peers
will only see you
before they take time
to get to know him

I know I may sound
I have a blog
about a son who patches
I write about it
I call attention to it
hello Dear Eyepatch
but that is just it
you are merely a part of us
you are not all of us
and I want all families
not just ifamilies
to know we are more
than just a family
who patches
patching does not define us
we live
we love
we laugh
just like everyone else
and there are people
families just like us
which helps us
feel less alone
especially when
we are doing
everything but
laughing and having fun
with you 

The infamous, discontinued giraffe pattern patch... obtained from trading patches like baseball cards, who knew?!

its weird
sometimes I feel
this was our fate
and honestly
I would not want it
if given the opportunity
to have it
any other way
you see
as much as you have
collected from us
I have been collecting
from you
every time Easton
puts you on
I collect more and more
I collect more and more
I collect more and more

It might be time for a new opening blog pic?!

I may hate you
but I do appreciate you
I see your value
I see your work
you are worth
my imom effort

yet I feel
I need to make
myself crystal clear
one more time
Easton (and Azalea)
are true and precious gifts
they came in the form
of tiny miracles
and have blessed
and continue to bless
our lives everyday
they are perfect
they were perfect
from the moment
we knew they were ours
vision or no vision
with or without you

you offer Easton
a chance at better
the best possible
and for that
I am grateful

so I am going
to continue
having fun
choosing colors
and patterns
and themes
mixing and matching
picking and patching

Are we seriously already ordering some patterns in the "biggest" size?!
struggling and sticking
saving and collecting
from you
I will admit
I have many of you
some special versions
of you are tucked away
in baby books and keepsakes
other forms of you
decorate our home literally
and inspire me daily
every version of you
peeled from his face
handed to me
thrown at me
or found
equals courage
equals hard work
equals time spent
one step closer to
seeing the distance

Shout out to #camopatchkids Instagram on Sundays!

one day
you will
go away
and I will do
a happy dance
a grateful dance
a halleluiah dance 
but I will not
for one second
forget this face
his face
that you
are a part of
I know that
I understand that
I accept that
I see that... now
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