Thursday, February 28, 2013

my GRANDparents

Before I had children
a close friend once described
her children, a boy and girl
as her heart and soul
and at the time
I thought it sounded
so profound
so insightful
so meaningful
but now that I have
a boy and a girl
now... I get it

he is my heart

she is my soul

neither is better
than the other
both essential
both unique
both belong to me
both are of me

on this journey, life
with Easton's Eye
I have lead with
my heart open
my soul strong
and while that perspective
has certainly got us
very far
it certainly hasn't been

I have good news
great news, really
but at the same time
it all just gets to be
too much sometimes
this journey is long
this journey is rough
this journey is worth
every effort
with all my
heart and soul

I went into
the last Eye apt.
with our original PO
heavy hearted
but grateful
I knew it was
the end of a chapter
and I was feeling
hopeful about
the beginning of
the next chapter
yet to come

ironically, it even felt
as if it was meant to be
when we were asked
to wait 30 min. for dialation
and a fellow imom and
one of our infamous
were sitting right there
in the waiting room
I mean really
if that is not a sign
of how far we have come
I don't know what else is

his Eye pressure tested fair
nerve looked good
Easton was a terrible
two year old toddler
during the eye chart exam
I know he knew the pics
but he shouted out
the same answer for
every. single. test.
and we got no where
with confirming
his vision
whatever... next time

then she checked
his prescriptions
at this point
we were 2 hours deep
into the office visit
I was already late for work
and we haven't even begun
to bid farewell
she tells me his vision
has improved
from a +9 to a +5
she proceeds to explain how
he potentially
given his new prescriptions
could be successful
wearing just glasses
and NO contact
wait a minute
I'm happy
I'm confused
I'm emotional
I had a million questions
and still had to say
good bye

she continues
to write 2 new scripts
one for just bi-focals
and one for a contact
with a bi-focal
and explains
that our new PO
will make the final call
after the results
of the EUA

my head is spinning
my heart is aching
my soul is leaping
my eyes shed a few tears
my body gives her a hug
and we are out the door

driving home
really to Easton's daycare
and then straight to work
I am baffled
I am in utter disbelief
it felt like I had won
a million dollars
but I was afraid to
spend the money
as if the money
really didn't belong to me
in some strange way
I wanted to give
the money back
and say no thank you
we already have
all that we need

that night
that night before
the EUA
I remember
laying Easton
down to bed
smelling his hair
feeling the weight
of his body
kissing his smooth
slightly chilly cheek
good night
every detail
was important
just because


eventually I fell asleep
and I had a dream
a strong real spiritual dream
call me crazy
but I believe
that the spirits of thoes
who have passed on
can visit us if we are open
to the ways in which
they reach us
this stuff does NOT happen a lot
but when it does
I am open to it
well of all the nights to dream
that night
my Grandma and my Grandpa
came to me
each gave me a hug
and not just any hug
only the kind
that they would give

I had to bend down
to hug my Grandma
she was shorter than I
she was so soft
and for the lack of a better word
squishy, I loved it
hugging her was like
hugging a fluffy cloud

and my Grandpa
he was tall
and solid
and broad
he engulfed you
in his love
and made you feel
like you were hugging a rock
but in a good way
a stable, I got you kid
kind of way

well... his hug musta
put me right over
the emotional edge
in my dream
I started sobbing
like the uncontrollable
please hold me up
or I will fall into
a million little pieces
kind of release
there was no conversation
just a simple understanding
a long embrace
a warm glow in his eyes
a soft smile on his face
when we let each other go
I was content

the next morning
I remembered
and more
all the memories
all the lessons learned
all the love
from them both
I felt their spirits
I felt their support
I felt their strength
I knew no matter what
was going to be 

so the EUA
did go smoothly
Easton was a champ
new PO confirmed
elevated pressure
in his Eye
however the nerve
looks healthy
continue to manage glaucoma
with current drop routine

all other examinations went well
given Easton's abnormal structure
overall the Eye looks healthy
even though I knew the answer
I did ask about future
potential for an IOL
after all he is essentially
a second opinion
and he confirmed
it is not recommended
Easton's Eye lacks
the structure and space
to safely anchor the IOL

and then... the decision
contact or glasses
I knew from the moment
the conversation shifted
he did not support
the glasses only
and like I was trying
to explain
in a very weird way
neither did I

I am still so happy
we reached this goal
that glasses only
is even an option
but I signed up
to follow through
with what is best
for my son
and if the contact
is working
and works for us
his perspective
the better
but harder path is
continue with
the contact
at a new prescription
with the addition of bi-focals
and keep patching
8 hours a day

I'm still tyring 
to sort through
the mix of emotions
that the end of
this chapter
and the beginning of
the next
has brought on
however, I am
we are headed
in the right direction
and I am
to this journey
and above all
I am content
with our progress.

GRANDparents are the BEST!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Not the same

So I'm home
and it's a bit
loving the time
knowing the time
is limited
admittingly there was
an adjustment
I had to increase
my level of
but really it wasn't long
before we all
fell back into
our familiar 
daily routine
of knowing
Momma's home
and here to stay
what a wonderful day

LOVE happy accidents, like her hand!!!

our mornings
are lazy
I love LOVE
my alarm
the sweet sounds
of them
yesterday it was
every word
every song
that we sing together
each night
Daddy and Bubby
Mommy and Sissy
Nelly at our feet
first always, the ABC's
then Barney's
I love you song
then Happy Birthday
those three
in that order
are a must
and that is what
I heard that morning

anyway, the sound
of him was so sweet
I wanted to grab
my phone and record it
but once I actually
woke up enough
to realize it
Azalea started singing
with him... and well
that wasn't allowed
"No, No Zalea
it goes like this..."

He attacks her in the most gentle, loving, brotherly way... but he attacks her!
she did get her
morning moment
today, he was
still sleeping
so she took
the opportunity
and started singing
she not only knows
the songs
the words
but the melody
the long notes
the short notes
girlfriend puts together
her own re-mix, no joke
it is simply the best

Talking, singing, explaining everything, all day long... such a girl!
it makes me think
of how far
we have come
I remember hearing
simple cooing
giggles, silly monkeys
dada mama baba
and every waking
morning in between
it fills my heart
to know
to see
to hear
how they have grown
but it saddens me too
now I wake
from a real alarm
and the morning
moves... fast
I wake them
instead of them
waking me
I sing, You are my Sunshine
but it's
Not the same
a simple reminder
of how life
has changed
I know we still have
but it's
Not the same

Told him to stop attacking her, so now he is attacking the air...
don't get me wrong
I actually do
love my job
and I really don't mind
being a working mom
it was an adjustment
but we have managed
and it is working
being home though, now
as nice as it is
it is almost harder
all the little things
I am missing

if anything this break
is slowing me down
helping me see
giving me perspective
to charish
to embrace
each and every
soak it up
and ring it out
and bathe in
these moments
I am so blessed
I have to remember
I have to rejoice
these feelings
need to fuel me
through the next
challenging chapter

The only "outfit" pic I could get of them looking like twins, ha!
Easton's last Eye apt.
with our original PO
is Monday
and ironically
Easton's EUA
with our new PO
is Tuesday
to say these events
arn't weighing on me
is a lie
but I am trying
truly to push it all
and stay forever
in today

when I say it's
Not the same
it's not a bad thing
it's just different
life changes
and so should we
at least I know
when it comes to
Easton and Life
with his Eye... it's
Not the same
we have accepted
this journey
we have grown into
this journey
we are more confident
in traveling to the end of
this journey

the contact
Easton can now say
"let me blink it on"
he knows I have to
put it in his Eye
but he can feel
when it is on his Eye
and he knows he
can control that with
his Eye movement
and blinking
I simply could not
see this day
when I was leaning
over his infant face
terrified to wake him
from his sleep
while shaking crying
cringing at every
attempt to get it in
no less on his Eye

the patch
Easton can now say
"it's not sticking"
he will come to me
or to his daycare lady
and request a new patch
he will press on
his patched eye
or even my eye
and count to 10
on his own
lately he has been
telling me
"I have two eyes"
"I have one eye"
almost as if he is
unsure or questioning
I reassure him
you have two eyes baby
you will always have
TWO eyes
when we put the patch on
you are using one eye
you have one eye, right now
just while patching
honestly, it breaks my heart
typing this makes me
choke up
it is always a punch
to the gut
when he realizes
his condition
on a new level of
mostly tears of pride
but some of sadness
an added bonus
he is getting his first
lesson in math  ;)

the glasses
Easton can now say
"put my glasses on"
he knows
he wants
his glasses on
after the patch
comes off
not sure if it's
the routine or
the vision
that is prompting this
but either way
I'll take it

Love this pic because it is NOT in focus.
 as you can see it's
Not the same
I am anticipating
more change
on the horizon
his prescriptions
might change at this
next Eye apt.
new contact for distance
bi-focal glasses
for all day wear
and of course
the pressure
please God
give him good pressures
at this point
I am prepared
for anything
I am not ignorant
to the game of chance
that is glaucoma
but regardless
of any pressure
I am hopful
I have faith
that we will
react accordingly

Her best friend... the boo boo bunny.
and that my friends
is me trying
really trying to
stay positive
lets not dwell on
all that is possible
potential harm

I am happliy
going to wish
our beloved PO
I might ask a few
just because I know
I prefer her answers
I am going to
wake the next morning
anxious for
reassuring answers
and continue to plan on
everything working out
in the end
that is what
seeing the distance
is all about
even I am
Not the same

Sunday, February 17, 2013


It's Sunday afternoon
the kids have been down
for a half hour
asleep for 15 min.
I'm on the couch
under a blanket
surrounded by pillows
and a sleeping dog
who got a bath last night
so she actually
smells good
toys are scattered
accross every inch
of the floor
the kitchen is dirty
there is plenty of
laundry waiting in piles
and here I sit
writing about stuff
rather than actually
doing stuff...
I'm on vacation!

Yup, that's right
a week off
winter break
and I couldn't have
kicked it off
any better than
taking the kids
to the Strong Museum
of Play, yesterday

oh yeah
and the whole
sittng on the couch
writing thing
would imply
that I have a laptop
a new laptop
technically it's used
but NEW to me
gotta love it
I realize now
what I have been
so that is kinda
exciting at least
to me

but yeah, anyway
Daddy's been working
crazy overtime hours
and Mommy was looking
for something to do
so Grandma suggested
packing the kids up
and hitting the road
for an hour long
road trip to
destination FUN

I have to admit
the drive was pretty
good ol Route 31
all the way to
Rha Cha Cha
that's WNY talk
for Rochester
everytime we drive it
my Mom always asks
do you remember
when we used to
live out this way
look see there's
our exit
and I always respond
yes, Mom I do

I was literally
probably my kids age
we only stayed
maybe a year
before moving back
to the very home
we left
our little stay though
left a big impact
on both of us

I don't remember much
but I do remember
our small apartment
it felt small
compared to our
big blue house
and I remember
a family gathering
climbing on top
of my now
dining room table
grasping the spout
putting my mouth on
a fresh pot of hot tea
and well...
you can only imagine
why I remember that

but truly I do
remember the drive
the long and whinding
counrty road
farms and picket fences
around every curve
the waiting
the wondering
if we were home... yet

and then I fast forward
in my mind
memories of me
not just watching
but becoming her
the independent woman
who traveled
Route 31
in my 20's
as a Graduate student
seeking the answers
to the troubles
of life

my Master's Degree
Art Therapy
such a blessing
for me
the travel
the people
the confidence
found strength

is it Strong Museum
Rha Cha Cha
or Route 31
all of them
balled in to one
full circle
of fun

we can do this
look and see
just come along
and play
even if just
for the day

or rather every day
is certainly
not just about
reliving memories
but making new ones
along the way

oh their sweet
little faces
their spirits
my heart races

I love the discovery
of something new

the mastery
the confidence
of something

play is
the best way

to say
this is our day

find ways
to enjoy

look! a pirate ship

jump in
don't hesitate
if you do
it might be
too late

learn from others
learn with others
always learning
from play
their way

the sights
the sounds
the interaction

the tried

and true

mixed with technology
and it's new

will they
remember this
not so sure
if they do

but I know
effects you

the feeling
that starts
sparks within
every way
each day

Strong Museum
has me feeling
my own strength
of how I came to be
with my family
looking forward
to this time
to play
with them
and me.
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