Valentine's DAY

Infertility

a word

I never 

would have imagined

pairing with

Valentine's DAY

but there's always

a first for everything

and this is 

my story

or rather 

my artwork.

a symbol
a prayer
a hope
a wish
to conceive
a life.

I painted this
somewhere
in the middle
of our struggle
to get pregnant.

At the time
it felt
so revealing
to be so open
with such a
deep sorrow
deep yearning
for something
I had so clear
a vision of
yet it was
so far
from my reach.

If I had to put
myself
somewhere
in the painting
when I painted it
I would have been
in the dark hole
between
the finger and
the thumb.

Wanting to be
the seed
that grew
the life
from the love
of
my husband
and I.

Little did I know
then
looking at
this artwork
now
I painted
my reality.

Two little souls
made from love
on of all days
Valentine's DAY
the Eye
the beauty
the balance
the strength
the endurance
the patience
the peace
the love.

We woke
that morning
Valentine's DAY
knowing
headed
to the clinic
for the umteenth time
like so many
times before
failed.

Why today
of all days
can we not
just be
just enjoy
each other.
But when
nature
and
medicine
called
we answered.

So there I was
on Valentine's DAY
laying half naked
on a cold table
with a paper sheet
and my husband
in a chair
holding my hand
looking into my eyes
hoping
praying
wishing
wanting
this to be the day
different from
all other days.

Romantic
not really
no warm fire
no bearskin rug
no sweet embrace
no love...
making
for that matter.

Heartbreaking
really
that day
and all
the other days
when you
lay there
and realize
that your baby
our baby
was not
made from love...
well
the physical kind.

I struggled
with that
just that
knowing
wanting
my child
to be made
from love.

But I realize
now
that my children
were
most definitely
absolutely
made from love
the kind
that transcends
the physical
and rises to
the spiritual.

Something more
greater
was with us
that day
2 years ago
today
Valentine's DAY

Cupid
blessed us
twice!

Valentine's DAY
forever
a celebration of
Love
and Life!

BitterSweet

No I am not
talking about
Chocolate
although I wish
I was...

More like a
BitterSweet Bath
you know
the one
the twins
took
last night
where somehow
we managed
to lose
our LAST
contact.

I remember
days when
Easton would actually
patch
during bath time!
Ha, those where
the days.

As you can imagine
I rarely
take pictures
during bath time
for a variety
of reasons

but a main one
is so I
can keep an eye
on the Eye
or rather
the contact.

Well I've officially
learned my lesson
no more
wearing the contact
in the tub.
Period.
I refuse to allow
this to happen
again.

It's gone
somewhere between
soapy hands

and silly photos
of wet hair

and shinny baby skin
it's GONE.

Children were removed
bath toys were examined
water was sifted
flashlights were glowing
clothes
towels
carpets
highchairs
hours later
kids in bed
who knows?!
It's gone.

Which means
no backup
and more
of that
BitterSweet
taste.

Contact free
Patch free

Worry free?!
Not so much

You would think
days like this
feel great
like a vacation
or what have you
but not really.

At the heart
of all the
contact and patching
DRAMA
I really just want
what is best
for my son
and
taking breaks
whether planned
or NOT
is not what is
best
for him.
I know it
and
I feel it.

Which is why
the next few days
until the new
contact
comes in
will most definitely
taste

BitterSweet.

Chocolate
anyone?!

Fab Feb Fun

It's not always
about the Eye
although
it certainly
feels like it
at times.

In fact
February
has been quite
fabulously filled
with lots of
FUN
crafts
and new
activities.

We made
Valentines
during circle time
at gymnastics
with fun
foam shapes.

Easton just wanted
to eat the tiny pieces
of paper that peeled
off the back
of the sticker shapes.

Azalea was more
interested in peeling
the letters of her name
right off the Valentine.
At one point
all of the letter A's
were off...
I managed to find
2 of the 3!

The other heart shape
is actually a crayon!
I melted
different colors
together
in a silicone
heart shaped
baking pan
that I asked
my hubby
to pick up
while out at work
and he did!  ;)

So fun
and
so easy
to do
and best of all
the kiddies
love coloring 
their little
"hearts" out!

We color
at least twice
a day
and the heart shape
is perfect
for their
little hands
to hold.
Love.

Well really
I think they have
more fun
shaking the paper
all around
the house
once we are
done.

Of course
hearts are on
the chalkboard
as well.

We miss
our tree
can you see
and speaking of

a tree...

at the same place
of our
original tree
we normally visit
outside
we now go there
but inside
each week
to music class
and look what
we found
in the classroom
a tree!

And lots of
instruments
and
what else
more
fun!

We also found
a new fun toy
slinky
at the dollar store!

Gotta love
cheap fun!

Gotta love
more
fun
moments
like this...

Then while
I found myself
nose deep
untangling
two slinkies
Easton found himself
nose deep
in my Kleenex box!

By the way
this is what
late afternoon
looks like
at our house
yes, all three
of my
littles
looking
waiting
for Daddy
to come
home.
Precious!

And this
Fabulously
February
Fun post
would not
be complete
without
spreadin a little
of the Love
that's in the air.

Sweet
Kisses
everyone
hope you are
having
Fabulous
February
Fun
as well!

Release Relief

To say that I
have been
peacfully
patient
this past
week
would be
untrue.

I tried
truly
to focus
on anything
but
this day
and nothing
till now
felt
authentic.

It seemed
I was preparing
for the worst
and hoping
not to fall
too far from
my expectations.

The tension
of getting to
this point
seemed
unbareable
even in
the little moments
and then there was
the moment
when
I was able to

release
relief
exhale
breathe

wait
what was that
what did I
just hear
it's a 20!

A number
the number
again...
22.

release
relief
we are headed
in a direciton
I want to go.

glaucoma
eye pressure
down
for now
for today
for this moment

thank you
thank you
thank you
release
relief

continue drops
come back in
six weeks
still glaucoma
but managed
for now
for this moment


one
amazing
moment
no surgery
for
now

so the head tilt
current theory
current fact
Easton's good eye
the other eye
the "healthy" eye
has an astigmatism

he is nearsighted
will need to wear
glasses
for the good eye
to better see
far
when not patched
starting
now
well really
once we get
the glasses

is possible
when he was
tilting to see
in better focus
from the side
and not
frontal view
newly needed
glasses
may correct
the head tilt

also the size
of his Eye
has changed
grown in general
and from
glaucoma
also the prescription
has changed
grown from patching
and from
glaucoma

so he will
be refitted
for a new
contact lens
along with
the new
glasses

I'll take it
all of it
release
relief

this is good news
on the bumpy path
to restore
Easton's vision
he
and
we
will
see
the
distance

Patience

This year
January
has been about
Patience
waiting
for results
waiting
for snow.

There is a saying,
good things come
to those
who wait.

I've learned
this lesson
once before
three years later
I was blessed with
my babies.

So we shall continue
to wait
wait for the retreat
of glaucoma
wait for restored vision
in his Eye
BUT
the snow is here!

Some of us
enjoyed it
and some of us
did not.

But to be fair
she needed time
don't we all
when we experience
something new
our responses
can vary
certainly crying
is one way
I've dealt with
something new.

This girl
deals with life
slowly
but surely
whether it's
being born
being held
learning to eat
learning to move
feeling grass
feeling water
she just
needs time.

I can totally
relate
change
growth
new stuff
like fluffy white snow
these things
are hard
and so is
patience
especially when
you really don't know
where it all
will lead you to.

This one though
he is
not afraid
never has been
wasn't long
till he was
plowing through
the white stuff
like a little Eskimo.

He would fall

and get right back
up
with stuffy snow pants on
and all
that's what he does
that's what he has
always done.

Life
pushed him down
before he even knew
how to get
back up
and he still
does it anyway.

He just
brushes himself off
and gets back
in the game.

And game there was
watching
our crazy dog
try
to climb
a tree!

Truly
she is trying
to jump
and climb
the tree.

 

Lesson learned

try

try and fail

try and succeed

nothing is accomplished 

unless you

try.

She started to try

She touched the snow.
He tried
to taste the snow.

The dog
didn't get up
the tree
but she had fun
trying.

I tried 

to get a good shot 

of both of them

together enjoying 

the snow

this is my 

best shot.

I tried.

I am trying

to be 

patient

to just 

relax

embrace

enjoy

each moment

whether the result

is good

or bad

there is 

peace 

in 

patience.

And look who 

is smiling

in the 

snow!

the skeleton

 

I know 
I know
I'm obsessed 
the chalk
the board
havn't we had
enough already!
 

I can't 
help it

one part fun
 

two parts cuteness
 

three parts therapeutic
  

Although yes, I am an
Art Teacher
when I am not a 
Full-time MOM
I also have a degree in
Art Therapy
hence 
the photography
the artwork
the poetry
the emotion
all in one
big blog
and this post...

the chalk 
started speaking 
to me.



First of all 
Nannu came over
yesterday
that would be 
my Dad
Hello man with
hairy tattooed forearm!




He likes
tattoos
skeletons
Art
and many other things.  ;)
Of course he had to
draw with the kids
on the new
chalkboard.

This would be
his creation

just a snap shot

of an ever changing

work of Art

but today

it feels like

more...

two flowers

one big 

one little

just like my

little flowers

the skeleton

is over 

the big flower

but including

the little one 

as well.

the skeleton

is

the Eye

his Eye

built in

part of 

the original structure

over him

over us

overwhelming

at times.

the skeleton

is not preventing

the flowers

from growth

from beauty

in fact it is 

the source

from which

the rest 

of the body

is held

a symbol of 

strength

balance

endurance

like the rock

bones too

carry us

but they do not 

define us.

the skeleton 

seems friendly

reaching out

waving

the Eye

can be friendly

it's growing

it's seeing

but as we all know

skeletons have

darksides

and so does

the Eye.

I am feeling 

the darkside

a little more

these days

ahem glaucoma

and especially today

the Eye

and it's sidekick

the contact lens

kicked me real good

right in the stomach.

Occupational Therapy

was here today

for lunch with Azalea

(she by the way

is doing fantastic)

Easton rubbed his Eye

the lens fell out

patch still on

food all over face

hands dirty

oh just imagine

I washed my hands

had OT hold his

and we, well I

got the lens back in

all while he still sat 

in his highchair

this was a first!

But the whole fiasco

left me feeling

well I was shaking

literally

something about 

putting the lens in

in front of someone 

new?

especially when

let's just say

it didn't go in 

easily

so she got to see

the darkside

and I felt like 

the skeleton

the cruel contact shoving

momster.

I know 

I know I'm not

and I know 

OT didn't think that

but I felt it

I felt like 

the skeleton

the source

the person who

stands over him

overwhelms him

forces 

shoves

pries

into his Eye.

Let's top this off 

with a little more

salt in the wound

not an hour later

he went down 

for a nap

only to wake 

without the contact 

tried to find it

no luck

hubby home 

he finds it

shattered 

in the carpet 

in his bedroom

ohhhhh

the joy

the fun

of 

the skeleton.

 

PS.  I will try 

to resist 

the urge 

to post

more chalk pics

but I am not

making any

promises.