tsunami

ok so I have
a confession
if it isn't already
obvious
I've been avoiding
this post

yes, time
finding the time
is a factor
and even more so
now
but really
it's the emotion
the emotional
tsunami
that swept over
this past week
and I have a feeling
the second wave
will be headed
this way
again
soon


 
I am officially
back to work
and I will admit
in the beginning
it was a bit exciting
kinda like
before the big wave
truly hits
I'm no tsunami expert
but I believe
the tide recedes
way back
like wow unbelievable
look how far out
the tide went

well that was me
like wow
look at me
pulling out my driveway
in a car
alone
with hot coffee
and the radio
really loud
dressed like a human
and with make up
just imagine
a working girl
excited to get to
work

Day 1
was fun
period

 
Day 2
oh day two
ummm
quick preface
not just am I
returning to work
after two years
out of the classroom
and as a mother
of twins
you could say
I've changed
a little
maybe a lot
but professionally
education has changed
a lot too
and if there was
ever a more challenging
year to return to
this would be
the one
minus all of my
personal changes
sooo yay for me
let the new year
begin
preface over
 
Day 2
I'm walking out
of our second
faculty meeting
of the morning
a friend says to me
wow Amanda
you seem so calm
everyone else is so
overwhelmed

enter the very
beginning
of the fast moving
tsunami

my response
to my friend
well what can you do
but take one day
one challenge
at a time
nothing taught me that
more than
loving my two
newborns 
in the NICU
 
point taken
perspective
the conversation
tailed off
we smiled
she walked one way
I walked the other
I took a big
breathe in
and exhaled
then went to get
some lunch

Oh I will never
forget that lunch
the overstuffed taste
of a simple
turkey sandwich
pushing down past
the lump in my throat
the pit in my stomach
the damned up tears
just waiting to fall
from my heart
from my soul
I missed my kids
oh how I missed
my kids

the rest of day 2
was fairly productive
until I got in the car
pretty much
cried
all the way home
walked in the door
and cried
a little more

Day 3
ok again
I'm no tsunami expert
but isn't the worst
of it all
when the tide
pushes back out
cuz if the emotion
rushed in on day two
it ripped
everything
out of me
on day three

remember
working girl
in the car
on day one
well I woke up
and really really
really tried
to channel her
I think I even
sprayed an extra
squirt of perfume
to try to find her
but as soon as
I leaned in
to kiss the kids
good bye
oh forget it
forget her
mushy mom
walked out the door

I love this picture even more now... see the heart!?!

I cried
I cried all the way
sipped hot coffee
cranked up
Phillip Phillips
new song, Home?
and oh forget it
I just
cried
why I thought
one tissue
was I all I needed
I will never know
but I did make it
to work

I then proceeded
to be just one
HOT MESS
it actually was
quite ridiculous
and embarassing
I felt like a new
hormonal mom
only I had just had
my kids
ohhh two years ago
I could not talk
I could not think
I could not stop
without tears
tears welling
tears pooling
tears falling
it was hard
it was really
really hard
I managed
but barely
and by the end
I was exhausted

I did come home
to hubby
and the kids
happy
we ate dinner
he went to play ball
and I took the kids
on a much
much needed visit
to Our Tree
already in their
jammies
nothing but
the sun to set
and a long day
to say
good night to

He is pointing to and saying... moon-t.

oh how I needed
to see
to feel
to gain
perspective
if the tsunami
had come
and gone
I was left
raw
and ready
to heal

The pictures really do no justice to how brightly the moon was shinning that night.

I can do this
I will do this
one day
one challenge
at a time
I got this

Day 4
came and went
and the end
to a short
but very long
work week
finally arrived

this week
I left them
knowing they
were still home
in our home
this next week
not only do
students return
but my babies
head off to
a new "home"
for the day
more change
still to come
tsunami
or not
we will do it
we will
get through it.