Force Myself

I knew
September
was gonna be
hard
I don't know
if I imagined
it quite like this
or really
if I imagined
it at all
honestly
in the back
of my mind
I really just wanted
to close my eyes
blink
and have it
be over
and in many ways
that is exactly
what just happened
but
in even more ways
I knew it was
more important to
Force Myself
to be present
in every moment
I could...

I was getting
Azalea dressed
about to finish
with a pair of socks
when she interrupted
and asked for
"purple socks"
and in that moment
for the first time
she knew a color
she knew a specific sock
she knew what she wanted
and
she knew to voice it
I had to
Force Myself
to see it
to accept it
to embrace it
to rejoice in it
my baby
turning two
on Friday
will be dressing
herself
soon enough
heartbreaking
and exciting
at the same time

purple socks
she wanted
purple socks
she got
and purple
sneakers too!

This theme
seems to be
spilling over
in other areas too
I have definitely
had to
Force Myself
to remember
this road
this journey of
seeing the distance
takes endurance
takes patience
takes strength

He is healing
very well
but he is sensitive
yes to touch
again
yes to drops
again
yes emotionally
again
and yes, as he
should be
I don't blame him
I feel him
I feel every pain
with him
and I have to
Force Myself
back into my role
as not just his mom
but his imom

I wish I could say
that after this past
surgery
it was all over
but we all know
that's not true
I wish I could say
that I have enjoyed
no contact and
no patch
for the past
6 days
but that's just
not true... iworry

I don't want
this surgery
to be for nothing
and it will be
if he doesn't
use that Eye
and he won't
use that Eye
until I patch
the other eye
therefore I will
Force Myself
back into
this journey
I will return
back to
our routine
our iroutine
part of me
is ready
part of me
is cool with it
and
part of me
is sad

As difficult
as any of this
my seem
the last thing
I want to do
is wish it away

This month
This week
This is
the last time
they will be
one
these are the moments
the only moments
I get

I may have had to
Force Myself
to love it
to live it
to see the beauty
to see the distance
but when I do
it is oh so true
to only thing
I can force
is myself

The rest will
unfold and reveal
itself in time

So I will
Force Myself
to pick up
my camera

I will
Force Myself
to write
to reflect
to remember
to record

I will
Force Myself
to stop
and smell
the flowers

I will
Force Myself
to see the distance

I will
Force Myself
to be excited
to be engaged

September
has been
a hard month

September
might always be
a hard month

They are growing up
and I will
Force Myself
to grow up
with them.