Monday, November 28, 2011

Smiles

November
leaves us 
with more 
of what I like best
Smiles!

Seems she has
taken a break
from concentrating
on the serious stuff
and has made 
more time for
laughing 
pointing
and
smiling!
On the other hand
he is still just
his silly self
climbing
on everything
and currently
hanging
on Daddy.
Trying to get
one, one year old
to sit and smile
is a task
add another
and a dog...
this is what we got.
Thanksgiving 2011
Flashback
Thanksgiving 2010
Believe it or not
this was actually
our first
family photo!
We certainly
had come a long way
to get to
that point...
and we certainly
have come a long way
to get to
today.
Yay for Thanksgiving!

I found more
Smiles
when the tunnel
accidentally didn't
open all the way
which created
a U-shaped tunnel.
They loved it!
How can you
not zoom in
on that sweet
smiling
lil face?!
This one
makes me laugh
cuz it looks
like Pac-Man
is about to
eat her up.
The only thing missing
from these pics
are the
shreeks
shrills
screams
and
giggles
that fill our home
with laughter
and love.
To hear them
play like this
is like
Christmas morning
every time.
This next one
makes my heart
melt.
Its the moments
that they share
together
when they are playing
but then get so close
to one another
that they can't help
but to really
notice
each other.
sometimes they just smile and stare
sometimes they reach for each others face
sometimes they bonk heads
and someone cries
sometimes they head butt
on purpose, their version of a hug
and
sometimes they kiss
So sweet.
And lastly
what is
Thanksgiving
or the end of
November
without
the beginning of
Christmas!
So along with
a very toned down
toddler friendly
version of our
annual Christmas decorations
Yes, I decorated
the bottom of our tree
with any and all
hanging type
kid's toy!

We officially have
our first
family
holiday themed
artwork.
Craft time lasted
all of five minuets
fast
furious
and
festive!
Its hanging in our
kitchen area.
Today I added
a present
(aka patch)
under the tree.
Dare I continue
adding "presents"
under the tree
till Christmas,
we might fill
the entire paper!

But I love it!
Easton colored with blue.
Dark, big, quick
and on to eating
the crayon that is.
Azalea colored with red.
Right where Mommy
colored red
she colored very
very lightly
lots and lots
of lines
So delicate
So deliberate
They are
night and day
in every way
but 
they are MY
night and day
I wouldn't have it
any other way!

They compliment
They complete
They are all
Smiles.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Feeling Full

Ok, I have to 
confess.
I was having 
a tough time
thinking of how 
to post about 
Thanksgiving,
the holiday of
graditude.
Lately, the Eye
has been rough
and that is
putting it mildly.
Contact time 
in the morning
has left 
my husband and I
dragging our feet
to get out of bed
knowing the battle
that lies ahead of us.
I can only imagine
what my lil big man
thinks about 
contact time 
if this is 
how we feel.
And that is 
what truly 
breaks my heart.
But then
we have days
like today
when I literally
was praying 
out loud...

oh baby boy
you are so brave
I am doing this
for you
you deserve this
I know it's hard
but 
you will see
you will see
in the end
how much 
I truly love you
and do this 
for you
be strong
be still
and 
you will see.

And Azalea 
my sweet baby girl
is watching
and listening
to the entire 
process.
Most days she is
such a trooper
so patient 
so supportive
so empathetic
I speak to her too...

it's ok baby girl
you are such a 
good lil sister
big smiles 
be happy.

Don't blink 
because
before I finished
my last prayer
DONE
contact on!
No rubbing
No poking
No fixing
No do overs
No crying
No resisting
No kicking
No screaming
No calming
No re-swaddling
DONE
1 2 3
DONE
And then I 
exhale
and the graditude
floods in
and then it hits me
I know this is hard
I know tomorrow 
will be different
But today
this moment
right now
I feel it
I am sooooo
incredibly
GRATEFUL

Not just for all
the things 
that we know
we should 
be grateful for
But for all 
the things 
that are 
hard
that make us
better
that show us
what really
matters.

I am grateful
for the hard days
because
they make
the good days
feel soooooo
incredibly
GOOD.
May God Bless
all my blog readers
whoever you are
be grateful.
I pray that you
literally get to
feel
graditude.
It rivals
love
literally.
It will make
you feel
way more full
than that
turkey dinner
ever will.
Trust me.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, November 18, 2011

a patch is a patch

Maybe its because
I ordered new kinds
of patches
and they are in.
Old kind, Nexcare on top... Ortopad then Krafty Patches, shows the size difference.
Options, I like options.

But I've noticed
unsettled feelings
over the patch
have crept back in.

So I did
a simple search
on the word
patch...

verb. 
mend or strengthen 
(fabric or an item of clothing) 
by putting a piece of material 
over a hole 
or weak point in it.

ok, I like
the verb.
He patches.
He strengthens.

go on...

noun. 
a piece of cloth 
or other material 
used to mend or strengthen 
a torn or weak point. 

yeah, other material
you could say that
but the weak point part
huh... His patch
is over the
strong point.

a tiny piece of black silk 
or court plaster 
worn on the face or neck 
especially by women 
to hide a blemish 
or to heighten beauty 

interesting...
heighten beauty 
ummm ok
He does make a patch
look pretty darn cute!
But in what century 
were these patches worn?!
Where patches 
the primitive form of
make-up?


a piece of material 
(as adhesive plaster) 
used medically 
usually to cover a wound 
usually disk-shaped piece of material 
that is worn on the skin 
and contains a substance 
(as a drug) 
that is absorbed at a constant rate 
through the skin 
into the bloodstream  
<a nicotine patch>  

adhesive
medical 
disk-shaped
skin... got it.
drug 
absorbed 
bloodstream... no.
only unless
the drug is 
vision
or confidence
It would be great
if he would 
absorb that.

a shield worn over 
the socket of an 
injured or missing eye 

nope, the Eye
IS in there
healthy too!
not injured
not missing

a small piece 

I think I like
this one the best
small piece
yes, the patch
is only a 
small piece 
of who he is.
 
a part or area 
distinct 
from that about it 
<cabbage patch> 

well yes
the eye patch 
is a distinct part
of his face.
 
a period of time 
<was going through a rough patch>

Ha, this one makes
me laugh...
yes this is just
a period of time
and yes 
it is definitely 
rough!
How did they know?!

someone or something 
equal or comparable 
usually used in negative constructions  
<the new chairman isn't a patch on his predecessor>

He is someone
He is definitely equal
But he is 
positively
the best
just the way
he is
patch and all.
 
a piece of cloth 
sewed on a garment 
as an ornament or insignia

Well, the patch
could become
his insignia?
It depends on the day
whether it's
ornamental or not.

a temporary connection 
in a communication system 
(as a telephone hookup) 

temporary yes
communication system sure
his face
his vision
let's hope 
the connection 
is made

a minor correction 
or modification 
in a computer program

the last one
so true
minor correction
only in his brain
after all
that is really 
why 
He patches, verb.
He wears a patch, noun.
We're talkin 
brain here!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I'm 31

Mom email me 
this 
yesterday...

Great Courage

You have great courage. Use it.
Whenever you feel fear, 
you are also feeling your potential for courage. 
Go ahead, feel the fear, 
and then let that courage of yours spring to life.
The fact that you can feel the fear 
means you also have the courage to get beyond it. 
Otherwise, the fear would serve no useful purpose.
Put that fear to good use 
by allowing it to ignite your courage. 
Put that courage to good use 
by utilizing it to move toward positive, meaningful objectives.
Feel the fear and know it means you have the courage. 
Learn from that fear and then 
step forward with all that courage.
The beginning of courage feels like fear. 
Follow through on that feeling, 
let the courage come, 
and with it you will achieve great things.
— Ralph Marston

Her thoughts were with
Easton and taking care of
his Eye.

Makes sense.
I love you Mom.

I think this message
can apply to any situation
and wanted to share.

For me, its interesting
that it appeared
the day before
my 31st Birthday.
Not that my birthday
scares me,
but the concept
of getting older
kinda does.


Entering my 30's
not anymore
31 officially means
I have arrived.
Motherhood
comes to mind.
Scary!
Do I feel 31?
Do I feel
like a mother?
Sometimes.


Certainly my youth
is over.
Teenage years
gone.
Crazy 20's
are behind me.
But in my mind
my heart
my soul
I still feel
well... young.

Sometimes even
in a clueless
I have no idea
what I'm doing
kinda way.


So when I see
this message on
fear and how
it creates
great courage.

I guess that is what
this next decade
is going to be about
Embracing
getting older
Embracing
motherhood

Embracing
my fears
Finding the strength
to push through.


I like the sound of
Courageous

I can do this
I am doing this
I'm 31.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Tree for Life

I remember when
this tree
was lush and green.
It's shadow
was so dark and dense
you would have thought
a cement wall 
was protecting you.
  
Then cool air came in
color too.
Sitting under it
was now like
sitting under a
cracked pinata,
little treats were littered
all around like treasures
waiting to be found.
Then the shadow changed
it was more of
a colorful crunchy blanket.
The saying,
"the apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree"
became clear to me
leaves don't either.
Now there is little left
exposed and bare
yet still so full
of life
of memories.
Every time we go
I wonder
is this the last time.
But really
the answer is no.

I have a vision
of the kids
all bundled up
and me pulling them
in a little sled
over the river
and through the woods.

Who knows
what winter will bring.
And soon
it will be spring.


I think this tree
will just be
with us
we'll wait and see.


So for now
we will take
any slightly good day
and go for a visit,
find a few treasures


push a little more
a little further
a little higher


grow and gain
insight
vision
wisdom


and when it comes
time to say
good bye
we might shed a few
tears




as it has shed
it's leaves
it's spirit
it's soul
unto us.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Six Weeks

She's a princess, even when crowned with a crib sheet!


It just dawned on me
I havn't woke up
and taken a shower
in over a year!
I mean,
I've taken a shower.  ;)
But only after
the kids are napping
or sleeping.
He. loves. laundry.


My mornings
consist of
diaper changes
contact insertion
breakfast n bottles
coffee n playtime
get the kids dressed
and after all that
the morning is over.
No where in there
is a morning shower.
They think they are so free with no clothes on!


I like morning showers.
I miss morning showers.
But I also
LOVE my kids!
They have now
officially
been under our roof
and care
for one year.

Ok so I staged this... but still, it's cute!

Seems crazy
to think that
since their birthday
all the way
to today
(a year ago)
that we were all
finally
together again.
Look carefully they make the shape of a heart, so sweet!


Six weeks
to be exact.
Is that a long time
a short time
I guess it depends.
Technically
they were home
by their due date
Nov. 9th.
A year ago this brought her home, now it's just a toy.


But to live
six weeks
a year ago
and then realize
six weeks
today,
it just gives
October
a whole new
dimension.

October
was such a blur
last year,
literally it was
the blur
of watching
Fall unfold
behind the window
of a car
driving
everyday
to the NICU.
You would never know this kid is wearing a patch.


This year
October
was amazing.
The kids just
seemed to blossom
more and more
everyday
something new
like watching
each brightly colored leaf
fall from a tree
one by one
day by day.
She finally figured it out... bat hits the ball.


To think it was
the same amount
of time
six weeks
but it feels like a
world of difference!

Happy 25th Birthday
Jonathan Verity
your Family and Friends
love and miss you
everyday.

I still believe
you brought
my family 
home.

Friday, November 4, 2011

FIVE

Ok so
I am trying
really hard
not to be
over dramatic
but
FIVE.
Seriously.



We have all
lost
an eyelash.
Yes, I know.
And most of the time
we don't even
notice
or think twice
about it.

Maybe I am
being
over sensitive.
He got a
skin sore
yesterday.
The kind where
when you take
the patch
off
the glue
takes his skin
with it.
About the size
of a breadcrumb
but still
sometimes it bleeds
sometimes it stays red.
Then the next day
I have to put
the sticky patch
right back over
the sore.  :(
Yes, the milky stuff
is on there too.

But the eyelashes...
Sighhhhh
Cringe
Wince
It felt like
being punched
in the stomach
FIVE times.

He was rubbing
the patch,
it started to come
off
so I grabbed
another
took the old off
put on the new
all in less than
five seconds.
He started
to cry.
I started
to feel sick.
Was he crying
because of
the patch
or because of the
FIVE eyelashes
just ripped off
his eyelid?!

I distracted him.
The moment is
gone.
But my heart
still aches.
I.
hate.
patching.

It's just
not right.
I can't
describe
exactly how
patching makes
a mother feel.
It's
just
not
right.

I know
what I am doing
is not wrong.
He needs
to patch.
It is working.
But FIVE.

Five sweet little
eyelashes...
I am making
five wishes
right now
for HIM.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Home

Ahhh November.
What is it 
about November
that is so
quiet
calm
like the coming of
Home.

My birthday month.
The grateful month.
The beginning of 
the end.
The last of Fall.
November.

I've learned
quite quickly
that the only
constant
in this parenting
journey
is change.
Just when
you think
you can
expect
anticipate
predict...
it's gone.

Something new
takes place.
It's exciting
It's challenging
It's comforting

Everyday
these growing bodies
do something new
little by little
and then
one day
you notice.
Sometimes
It's sad.
We used to go to
the tree.
It would be
sunny and hot.
They were
smaller,
just gaining
their balance
their strength
their courage
to move
to crawl
off the blanket
away from
their Momma
into the world.

Now
the days
are colder.
They are
bigger
braver
stronger
smarter.
They go
together.
Head down
laughing hysterically
feet moving feverishly
bodies pushing
out
into
the world.
Sometimes
they still need
their Momma.
Sometimes
they still
look back.
Sometimes
they still
sit
with me.
The Love.
The love brings em
back.
They know it
They feel it
Home.
I am home.
The tree is home.
November is home.
We are headed home.


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