Sick

As I sit
to write
I'm listening
to naptime
in the monitor
I can hear
the strong sound
of a snore
because
we are ALL
sick.

I've been waiting
and waiting

 
for our family
cough
congestion
cold
to just go away
and it won't
it has been
relentless.

I'm trying
to rise above

the exhaustion
the whinnig
the snot
but as it lingers
and lingers
I'm finding it
more and more
difficult
to create ways

to distract

and entertain

them.

I reach points
when I love
the neediness
the snuggles
the heavy embrace
of them
sick
knowing they
just want
their Mommy.

Rocking
them
together
brings me back
to the beginning
when I would sit
in their nursery
pregnant
waiting
wondering
when
just rocking
me carrying
them.

And now I know
now I know
the good
the bad
the ugly
and
the snotty.

Then I reach
a point
when I just
want it
to stop
enough already
grow up
entertain
take care of
yourself!

Don't get me wrong
I still love it

I love all of it

but we have reached
a point
I have
they have
reached a point
where, yes
they are getting
BIG

 
but still
definitely still
they are
oh so small.

Perspective
looking back
it goes so fast
but in the moment
in some of the
moments
it goes
oh so slow.

Why does
sick
have to go
so slow?!

BIG

We've gone
through
some BIG
changes
lately...


Lil' Big man
got a
big boy
hair cut
just in time
for his new
big boy
glasses.

He was
so good
a perfect
role model

 

for Lil' Sis

who looks 

so Big

getting her hair
evened out

and her old
Big Bangs

trimmed.

They both
did great
and Mommy
did ok.

I just
keep reminding
myself...

Of course I won't like it.
They are still my cute babies.
It will grow.

BIG
Deep Breaths

BIG
changes

Big boy
glasses

Anticipating
Anxiety
Wondering
Hoping
He would keep
them on
I bought
two pairs
of play glasses.

It worked!

He still touched
He still wondered
He still knew

But he
kept em on!

I think
He "hearts"

his new glasses.

She certainly
was all
interested.
She tried to
touch
remove
put on
 

But then
it just clicked.

They got over it.
They moved on.
I was relieved.
When he was
relieved.

Remembering
my lil' big boy

Who now
can see
the distance.


They are getting
so BIG.

I'm left
feeling
a little sad
but
so
SO
proud!

Valentine's DAY

Infertility

a word

I never 

would have imagined

pairing with

Valentine's DAY

but there's always

a first for everything

and this is 

my story

or rather 

my artwork.

a symbol
a prayer
a hope
a wish
to conceive
a life.

I painted this
somewhere
in the middle
of our struggle
to get pregnant.

At the time
it felt
so revealing
to be so open
with such a
deep sorrow
deep yearning
for something
I had so clear
a vision of
yet it was
so far
from my reach.

If I had to put
myself
somewhere
in the painting
when I painted it
I would have been
in the dark hole
between
the finger and
the thumb.

Wanting to be
the seed
that grew
the life
from the love
of
my husband
and I.

Little did I know
then
looking at
this artwork
now
I painted
my reality.

Two little souls
made from love
on of all days
Valentine's DAY
the Eye
the beauty
the balance
the strength
the endurance
the patience
the peace
the love.

We woke
that morning
Valentine's DAY
knowing
headed
to the clinic
for the umteenth time
like so many
times before
failed.

Why today
of all days
can we not
just be
just enjoy
each other.
But when
nature
and
medicine
called
we answered.

So there I was
on Valentine's DAY
laying half naked
on a cold table
with a paper sheet
and my husband
in a chair
holding my hand
looking into my eyes
hoping
praying
wishing
wanting
this to be the day
different from
all other days.

Romantic
not really
no warm fire
no bearskin rug
no sweet embrace
no love...
making
for that matter.

Heartbreaking
really
that day
and all
the other days
when you
lay there
and realize
that your baby
our baby
was not
made from love...
well
the physical kind.

I struggled
with that
just that
knowing
wanting
my child
to be made
from love.

But I realize
now
that my children
were
most definitely
absolutely
made from love
the kind
that transcends
the physical
and rises to
the spiritual.

Something more
greater
was with us
that day
2 years ago
today
Valentine's DAY

Cupid
blessed us
twice!

Valentine's DAY
forever
a celebration of
Love
and Life!

BitterSweet

No I am not
talking about
Chocolate
although I wish
I was...

More like a
BitterSweet Bath
you know
the one
the twins
took
last night
where somehow
we managed
to lose
our LAST
contact.

I remember
days when
Easton would actually
patch
during bath time!
Ha, those where
the days.

As you can imagine
I rarely
take pictures
during bath time
for a variety
of reasons

but a main one
is so I
can keep an eye
on the Eye
or rather
the contact.

Well I've officially
learned my lesson
no more
wearing the contact
in the tub.
Period.
I refuse to allow
this to happen
again.

It's gone
somewhere between
soapy hands

and silly photos
of wet hair

and shinny baby skin
it's GONE.

Children were removed
bath toys were examined
water was sifted
flashlights were glowing
clothes
towels
carpets
highchairs
hours later
kids in bed
who knows?!
It's gone.

Which means
no backup
and more
of that
BitterSweet
taste.

Contact free
Patch free

Worry free?!
Not so much

You would think
days like this
feel great
like a vacation
or what have you
but not really.

At the heart
of all the
contact and patching
DRAMA
I really just want
what is best
for my son
and
taking breaks
whether planned
or NOT
is not what is
best
for him.
I know it
and
I feel it.

Which is why
the next few days
until the new
contact
comes in
will most definitely
taste

BitterSweet.

Chocolate
anyone?!

Fab Feb Fun

It's not always
about the Eye
although
it certainly
feels like it
at times.

In fact
February
has been quite
fabulously filled
with lots of
FUN
crafts
and new
activities.

We made
Valentines
during circle time
at gymnastics
with fun
foam shapes.

Easton just wanted
to eat the tiny pieces
of paper that peeled
off the back
of the sticker shapes.

Azalea was more
interested in peeling
the letters of her name
right off the Valentine.
At one point
all of the letter A's
were off...
I managed to find
2 of the 3!

The other heart shape
is actually a crayon!
I melted
different colors
together
in a silicone
heart shaped
baking pan
that I asked
my hubby
to pick up
while out at work
and he did!  ;)

So fun
and
so easy
to do
and best of all
the kiddies
love coloring 
their little
"hearts" out!

We color
at least twice
a day
and the heart shape
is perfect
for their
little hands
to hold.
Love.

Well really
I think they have
more fun
shaking the paper
all around
the house
once we are
done.

Of course
hearts are on
the chalkboard
as well.

We miss
our tree
can you see
and speaking of

a tree...

at the same place
of our
original tree
we normally visit
outside
we now go there
but inside
each week
to music class
and look what
we found
in the classroom
a tree!

And lots of
instruments
and
what else
more
fun!

We also found
a new fun toy
slinky
at the dollar store!

Gotta love
cheap fun!

Gotta love
more
fun
moments
like this...

Then while
I found myself
nose deep
untangling
two slinkies
Easton found himself
nose deep
in my Kleenex box!

By the way
this is what
late afternoon
looks like
at our house
yes, all three
of my
littles
looking
waiting
for Daddy
to come
home.
Precious!

And this
Fabulously
February
Fun post
would not
be complete
without
spreadin a little
of the Love
that's in the air.

Sweet
Kisses
everyone
hope you are
having
Fabulous
February
Fun
as well!

Release Relief

To say that I
have been
peacfully
patient
this past
week
would be
untrue.

I tried
truly
to focus
on anything
but
this day
and nothing
till now
felt
authentic.

It seemed
I was preparing
for the worst
and hoping
not to fall
too far from
my expectations.

The tension
of getting to
this point
seemed
unbareable
even in
the little moments
and then there was
the moment
when
I was able to

release
relief
exhale
breathe

wait
what was that
what did I
just hear
it's a 20!

A number
the number
again...
22.

release
relief
we are headed
in a direciton
I want to go.

glaucoma
eye pressure
down
for now
for today
for this moment

thank you
thank you
thank you
release
relief

continue drops
come back in
six weeks
still glaucoma
but managed
for now
for this moment


one
amazing
moment
no surgery
for
now

so the head tilt
current theory
current fact
Easton's good eye
the other eye
the "healthy" eye
has an astigmatism

he is nearsighted
will need to wear
glasses
for the good eye
to better see
far
when not patched
starting
now
well really
once we get
the glasses

is possible
when he was
tilting to see
in better focus
from the side
and not
frontal view
newly needed
glasses
may correct
the head tilt

also the size
of his Eye
has changed
grown in general
and from
glaucoma
also the prescription
has changed
grown from patching
and from
glaucoma

so he will
be refitted
for a new
contact lens
along with
the new
glasses

I'll take it
all of it
release
relief

this is good news
on the bumpy path
to restore
Easton's vision
he
and
we
will
see
the
distance