Easton's Eye - Part 3

Ok so where were we
ahhh yes, drama
drama drama
and more drama.

I wish I could say
after his surgery
we were out of the woods
but that was not the case.

November 1, 2010
Easton's first "office" eye exam.
Our PO has two offices
luckily we were able to
go to the closer one
her satellite office
which is 20 min. away
on a good day
we would be headed there
during morning rush hour.

So we were now
leaving the house
for the first time
with our newborn son
to make his 8 am eye apt.
and at 4 am
I'm asking myself
what time do I wake
what time do I feed
what time do I pump
what time do I dress
what time do I leave
wait...
what should I put
in the diaper bag?!


It was at this appointment
we finally learned
Easton's diagnosis
Persistent Fetal Vasculature
and
we learned
there were still
a lot of unknowns.
She didn't know
if his eye was going
to stay small.
She didn't know
if his eye would
develop vision.
And she still didn't know
if his optic nerve
was healthy.

But she did know
his eye was
healing well
and she did know
his eye had
already developed
glaucoma.
Yup, that's right
his eye pressure
was up.

So now as I am
still trying to digest
the PFV diagnosis
she is telling us about
all the risk factors
of glaucoma.
I know all of it
went in one of my ears
but then I don't know
where it landed
I know it didn't
go out the other ear
because even though
I still didn't fully
understand
all of it
I felt it
I felt the hurt
I felt the pain
I felt the fear
I felt the confusion
and mostly
I felt for my son.

She referred us to
her colleague, the expert
in Pediatric Glaucoma.
We scheduled an apt.
to see him in a month
but she still wanted
to see us weekly
every Monday
same time same office.

She also changed
the eye drop schedule
we lost the brown
healing med
and added a blue
glaucoma med.
still keep using
the pink and red
drops too!

So we packed ourselves
back into the car
and even though
we went there
and left with
the same stuff
I felt like
we left with
so much more.

Nov. 2  - yes, the next day.
Azalea was still not home.
The idea of staying in
to take care of
my newborn son
was not an option
considering
my newborn daughter
needed me too.

This day started
like any other day
pumping feeding
cuddling with Easton
once Daddy or Grandma
got home from work
I would take off
frozen breast milk in hand
headed to the NICU
to repeat it all
with Azalea.

When I got there
the nurse told me
the Dr. wanted
to speak with me
ummmm ok
immediately worried
and alone.

I already knew
of the two holes
in her heart
typical for preemies
like her
luckily we just
need to monitor them
so of course
given how far
she has had to come
I'm wondering
what now...

That night
I learned she had
bi-inguinal hernias
and she would need them
to be surgically repaired
as soon as she was
strong enough
for the procedure.

As the Dr. reassured me
this too was typical
and the procedure
was common
again, I was alone
and I safely went
to numb
auto-pilot
survival mode.

So what does this
have to do with
Easton's Eye timeline
well... I got in the car
and I finally broke
somewhere between
driving home
in the dark
alone
calling my husband
calling my mom
driving
alone
I cried
I cried hysterically
I cried softly
I cried till my body
and my heart
had nothing left
and the tears
still continued
to fall.

I cried because
I needed to
and to be honest
it felt good
it finally felt
real
and from there
I could
move
forward.

I know I know
this timeline is moving
oh so slowly
but that is how
for me, it unfolded
slowly in phases
of what I could handle
in each moment
and in this moment
I need another
break...