Easton's Eye - Part 1

I've recently become
inspired
to look back
and create
a timeline of
Easton's Eye.

I quickly realized
why
I have yet
to do this...
it's painful.

In some of
my past posts
I've touched
on certain
days
times
moments.

But when I started
my blog
I needed
an outlet
a release
a place to put
the drama
the abnormality
the pain
of the present
at the time
I didn't want
to go
back.

Best of all
in blog land
there were others
who had been through
and who are
doing
feeling
living
like me.

So now
here I am
a little more
confident
a little less
confused
and perhaps
a bit
stronger
to face
the pain of
the past
the beginning...

Sep. 28, 2010
Easton John and Azalea Jayne
were born
6 weeks premature
directly from my abdomen
and straight to the NICU.


Oct. 2
I was discharged
my newborn twins
were not.

Oct. 4 (Mon.)
I was told
a nurse noticed
something in
my son's eye.

that hurts
that someone else
noticed my son's
eyes
before me.

The Ped. Ophthalmologist
checks eyes on Thursdays.
So we waited.
At this point
we were slightly
concerned
but figured
whatever it is
we will
they will
just fix it.

I think the NICU staff
knew more
than they wanted to
let us know.
It wasn't till after
when they started
saying things like
"I haven't seen anything
like his in the 25 years
I've worked in the NICU"
geee so glad you can now
check that off your list!

Oct. 7 (Thurs.)
Easton was 9 days old.

I made sure
I visited the NICU
between the hours
of the PO's rounds.
My husband tried
to time his visit
with his work schedule
but when the PO came
I was alone.

she walked in
she had all this crazy head gear
she is still our same PO

she looked
while I sat
she looked up
with all the crazy head gear
still on
and told me

yes, your son has a
severely cloudy cataract.
I had no idea
what that meant
but I knew
from the tone
of her voice
that it was serious.

At that point
I was completely
numb
she went on
and on
lots of information
I was still
alone.

She left
the nurse looked at me
I could tell
even she was sad
I was numb
I immediately
went to my baby notebook
and regurgitated
everything
I re-wrote almost
the entire conversation
but still
I was numb
I was in shock.
I was in disbelief.

Baby A
my big boy
my "healthy" baby
huh?!
surgery
immediately
as soon as possible
when he is strong enough
huh?!
he's a premature newborn
baby
my baby

the baby
I have yet to hold at 2 am
in my arms in my home
alone
the baby I have yet
to examine naked
with no tubes no wires
you must have
the wrong baby
not my
baby

It wasn't long
after writing
that my husband
walked in
I remember
telling him
that his Eye
was bad
really bad
the worst

I remember
the nurse tried to
correct me
tell me
tell him
we had options
surgery
vision restoration
contacts glasses
patching
etc.

I remember
my husband
immediately
sat down
immediately
started to cry
I hugged him
I teared up
but

I remember
I didn't cry
I couldn't cry
because I still
truly
didn't believe it.

In my head
I was dreaming
I was going to
wake up
and this was all
going to go
away.

On the inside
I was praying
with all my heart
wishing
with every fiber of my body
willing
with every inch of my soul
for all of it
to just go
away.

I truly felt
that if I just
went to bed
the next morning
everything
would be
different
the nurse
was going to call
and tell me
they made a mistake
Easton's Eye
was just fine.

Boy
oh boy
was I wrong.
Certainly we
I still had
a long way
to go...

More to come
I need a break.