About a week later

Having a little fun with patch time

Well this was my idea in the first place.
I was on a high, all excited about getting the contact in while awake.
And worried about the future when he won't be taking am naps.
The idea started out with good intention, truly.
Yet this has been the hardest week of all and I don't see how it will get better.
He now wakes up if I try to do anything to him while sleeping.
So those days are apparently over.
Every morning it is a battle, some are quick and easy, others not so.
If it doesn't go in in the early morn, we try again before the am nap.
Let's not forget that it usually falls out at least once a day as well.
I now try not to feel anything, no excitement, no disappointment.
Because I have learned neither last very long and only add to the roller coaster feelings.

Nothing takes your mind off things more than babies in water!

However, I must say this has made me confront everything head on.
Confronting him while awake.
Confronting all my emotions over his condition.
I don't think I ever really let myself grieve? over an eyeball?
That sounds so silly but I have been on autopilot since the twins were born.
When they told me about the cataract, I was just like ok what do we do.
When they told me about the surgery my 3 week old baby would be having,
I was just like ok how do I take care of him.
When they told me about the Persistant Fetal Vasculature,
I was just like ok so how do we treat it.
When they told me to put a contact in his eye when he was sleeping, I did.
When they told me to put a patch over his good eye, I did.
Sure at the time it was all painful but I didn't have time to feel.

Now they pull up and stand in this thing, we had to lower the floor!

Now they have personalities.
Now they have a routine.
Now I have SOME time.
Now I have to confront this.
In one week...
I have been angry, to the point of screaming.
I have been frustrated, beyond the definition of the word.
I have been sad, so sad the tears just don't stop.
I have come to see the distance.
I have come to see that this is bigger than contacts and patches.
I have come to see that this is going to be a daily, hourly struggle.
One that I have to just accept.
One that I have to just roll with.
One that the more I roll with it, the more he will learn to roll with it.
He is never going to just let me put a contact in his eye.
But maybe some day he will understand why.
And I just pray that in the meantime,
all the tears, his and mine
all the stress
all the time
makes us stronger, even more loving and grateful.

My sister's twins with my twins, you gotta love it!