when

 

I used to wonder
when
when would I ever
graduate high school
finish my college degree
get a job
get married
buy a house
get pregnant
you know
grow up



and when I say
wonder when
I mean I literally
remember
wondering
daydreaming
in grade school
sitting at my desk
thinking to myself
only 2 more years
then only 3 more years
then just 4 more years
and viola
I would be walking
across the stage
into adulthood
aka. no more homework
ha, how innocent was I

but that mentality
has always been
a part of me
I set a goal
and I can see it
way out there
in the distance

now as a mom
more specifically
as an imom
I still wonder
when
one of my biggest
thoughts
fears... was when
when is he
going to realize
he can't see
well, can't see well
out of his one Eye



as an infant
this was obvious
he was oblivious
he would be patching
the contact would
of course, fall out
several times a day
sometimes
for a long time before
I would even notice
and I would wonder
why doesn't he care
when
when will he care

then he got older
the contact fell out
less often
rare was the day
he would be caught
patching
without a contact
but still
on the occation
nothing, no sign
no true ability
for him to communicate
that he could not see

well I have a
when... two and a half
no his contact did not
fall out, knock on wood
but I decided to give
them an early bath
just before time to
remove the patch
and consequently the contact
and at that moment
I realized
I could take the contact out
before removing the patch
you know, just to see
and immediately
he says
I CAN'T SEE!
in a slight panic
seconds people
seemed like a lifetime
and never again
will I do that
I now know
when
 

I used the moment
to explain the contact
for the umteenth time
hoping this time
might be the time
it all starts to
make some sense
and who knows
he might loose the contact
in the future
while patching
and never even say a word
but at least now I know
he knows
and in a weird way
its reassuring


where am I going 
with all this
you might remember
the big "lottery" decision
contact or graduate to
just glasses
and I/we
decided to stick it out
with the contact
I now know why
this was a good idea

with only glasses
and patching 8 hours
every single day
if the glasses come off
because he took them off
because they fell off
because it's naptime
because he is changing his shirt
because we are in the car
because the lenses need cleaning
the list goes on
then hello, he can't see!!!
the patch essentially
would need to come off too!?!

I have never been
more grateful for
that DAMN contact
in my two and a half years
of his life... when!
 

so yeah
as you can see
the new lens is in
the new bi-focals are on
and we continue
to patch

he is a champ
he is a toddler
he is two and a half
he was so excited
to get his new glasses
he loves that they have
frogs on the frames
 

he keeps them on
he uses the bi-focal
he hasn't even flinched
this kid
this ikid
amazes me
he wears a contact
he wears a patch
and now
he wears glasses
all day
every day
and don't forget
eye drops
twice a day

 


he has his moments
he resists
and he should
and I am sure
he too will wonder
when
when will this journey
ever end
funny thing is
it will... end
someday will become
when
and then something else
will take it's place
 

there is a fine line
between
wondering when
and
wishing life in between away
 

when will they sleep through the night
when will they eat solids
when will they sit up, crawl, stand, walk
when will they talk
when will they feed themselves
when will they be potty trained
when will they dress themselves
when will they...
grow up



as much as I may
set goals
and still wonder
when
I also know
not to forget about
NOW
when might seem great
but now
right now
is real
is raw
is rewarding