this sucks

There is no
easy way
to start this post
actually
I had a different
post in mind
but I waited
rather I lived
this weekend
and now
here I am
Monday
the afternoon
after
this morning's
Eye Dr. apt.

You know
I had a feeling
a teeny tiny
flutter
of worry
but I pushed it
I sent it away
ignored it
and focused on
the positives
so many positives
so many signs
that things were going
good
no tearing
no light sensitivity
no corneal haze
no corneal growth
and of course
the drops
lots and lots of drops.

The goal
was to hear
that his Eye
pressure
was good
8 weeks ago
it was good
and today maybe
we could lessen
his maximum
eye drop
treatment.

The moment
we sat in
the chair
I knew
I knew
she knew
she noticed
the shape of
his Eye
not the diameter
but the length
the protruding
abnormal shape
of his Eye
changed
grew
and my flutter
of worry
quickly turned
into a tidal wave
that overwhelmed me
and made my body
numb.

Surprisingly
his pressure
the number
was normal 18
and he passed
all the other
signs and symptoms
of glaucoma
but the one
the one
most important sign
his optic nerve
had changed
she was starting
to see "cupping"
the term you
don't want
to hear
or rather
see.

Cupping numbers
more numbers
what do they mean
Easton was a .1
and now
he is a .2
what is bad
any increase is bad
but a .6
is the beginning
of irreversible
nerve damage
peripheral
vision loss.
We are still ahead
of the damage
but we need to
act now
surgery now.

The maximum
eye drop treatment
is no longer
working
yet we will still
continue with drops
and do more
we have another
Eye Dr. apt.
with the Pediatric
glaucoma specialist
Wednesday
it will pretty much
be a Q and A
before we end up
scheduling surgery
ASAP.

This potentially
could be the first
of multiple
types of surgeries
until we find
the one release
the pressure maintenance
that works
this could also
potentially  be
the surgery
that works
obviously starting
with the least
extreme
the least invasive
procedure.

Considering I ride
a non-stop
rollercoaster
the ride is just
going faster now.
The Dr. knew
probably could see
the disappointment
in my eyes
she tried to
reassure me
tell me
we are still ahead
this was likely
always lingering
always an option
his Eye is
so unstable
so abnormal
the drops were only
going to work
for so long
now we can say
we tried them
...bless her
for trying.

I'm bummed
I'm disappointed
I'm sad
I'm angry
I'm worried
I'm overwhelmed
I'm afraid
I'm helpless
I'm speechless
yet I want to
SCREAM

I know this is
expected
I know this is
part of the journey
I know this is
just the beginning
I know this is
potentially fixable
I know this is
a life long battle
and I know
this sucks
this is glaucoma
this is scary
this is life
with Easton's Eye.