a year and a half

Where is
the time
going?!
I feel like their
half birthday
is just as
hard to swallow
as their
first birthday.

They were little
but they were
so big

Now they are
bigger
but they are still
so little.

Something about
the milestones
that make me 
feel such an
overwhelming
urgency
to capture
to hold
every moment
so tightly.

But the sands of time
are just falling
so quickly
too quickly
that it's hard
for me
to hold
every grain
in my hands.

I want to put
every single grain
every single second
of my time
with them
in my pocket
in my heart
for forever
I want them
fresh
in my mind
in my memory
so that all of it
will feel
like it was
just yesterday.

In many ways
I suppose
it all is
and will be
there for me
for forever
but it just
makes me sad
sometimes
they are growing
they are gonna keep
growing
and I am just
gonna have to
grow
with
them.

And I am.

Even this past
weekend
I earned another
mom badge
the "sick n pukey kids" one
I already earned
the "sick kids" one
and the sick kids
"while your sick" one
but here's another
first
I'm surprised
we made it
this far
without puke
but we did.

And man o man
it's a whole
nother level
of momhood
a level I guess
you could say
I rose to
but hope
not to do
too often
cuz it's
not too fun
to say the least.

You can only imagine
it was bad
when I actually
chose to take
a day off!!!
No contact
No patch

So yes
WE are growing
painfully
at times
but it's all
been oh so
worth it.

This kid can say "buh-ble."

I am evermore aware
that this
this is
OUR time
and we are only
going to live
today
now
once.

And it's the cutest sound ever!!!

My word
My goal
for 2012 was
embrace
and trust me
for me
this was a
challenge
but right now
I feel it.
I am
embracing
this moment
I am
embracing
now
them
today
everyday.
I get it.

Girlfriend will sit and work it out till no end.

This time
all time
is a gift
that I
embrace.

And look who put these shoes on all by herself!!!

Happy "half" Birthday
Easton John & Azalea Jayne

You two
are most definitely
twice the blessing!

You both
continue
to teach me
more than I ever
thought possible
about
love
life
and the pursuit of
happiness.

You both
have given me
all of that
and more
for the past
year and a half
everyday
and
right now
I embrace
these moments
this moment.

I will never
forget it
I have never
loved more
lived more
or
been happier
than spending
my time
with both
of you.

Easton's Eye - Part 8

The last part
maybe
not really
this part will
sum up the
beginning.

It feels like
an end
but I know
we are far
far from
the end.

I'm a bit
all over the place
in my mind
reflective
thinking back
but also
reflective
on where we are
today
so bare with me
this part
might just be
a little bit of
everything.

June 2011
Summer... Wow!
they were born
in the Fall
we made it through
the Winter
and Spring
was just one big
giant blossom.

I really have
no complaints
at this point
we had a contact
that fit!
We knew
Easton's Eye
was growing physically
was developing sight
and
was revealing to be
relatively healthy!

Did we really just
weather the storm?!
Comparatively, YES!
However
Life with Easton's Eye
is...
well, unpredictable.

Easton did have a
"good" Eye exam
in June.
So good that
for the first time
our PO gave us
12 weeks
until our next visit!
all we had to do was
Patch Patch Patch!
4-6 hours or
half of his wake time
as they say.

My philosophy
on patching
has always been
over patch
when we can
the full 6 hours
because
tomorrow is
no guarantee
it's a new day
a day that we
can not depend on.


By the way
unlike my philosophy
I. hate. patching.
always have
always will
there is something
that is just
not right
when I place
a freakin sticker
over my child's
sweet
beautiful
smiling
eye
yes, Easton's eye
smiles
both of them do!

And then
I witness
his voice whine
his face crinkle
his hand rub
and it just
breaks my heart
every time
every day

And then
I kiss
his forehead
and tell him
I love him
that I know
and that 
it's ok
every time
every day

Also another
side note on
unpredictable...
I told you
I'm all over
the place
September 2011
another good
Eye Report
I remember thinking
cool, I can do this
Eye exams
4 times a year
that's not so bad.
December 2011
glaucoma is back
good bye to only
four visits a year.

So yeah back to
June... well
let's just get into
July 2011
I had been reading
and commenting on other
Eye Mom's blogs
so much so
that I started to
feel and think
that my comments
were so frequent
and often so long
that they probably
were thinking
"hey quit blogging
on my blog
and get your own!"


So I did.


I needed
this space
this blog
for so many
reasons
obviously, yes
it's a place
to put all of
the Eye
down.
I had been
carrying it
holding it
all of it
and them
for so long
that it was
weighing me
down.

I needed 
the release
the freedom
the creativity
the photography
the words
the thoughts
the emotions
the milestones
the reflection
the support
the feedback
the inspiration
to get back
to me.

The beginning
of my blog
did not start
with any of
those intentions.
In fact, I hit
an emotional wall
and a reality
nightmare
in the beginning
of my blog.

Easton would
no longer allow
me to touch
his Eye
while sleeping.
I was forced
to face the contact
while he was
awake
and consequently
forced to face
my real feelings
over his condition.

Considering
up to this point
I was really good
at dismissing them
for whatever was needed
in the moment
and now
I had moments
for me
I had a blog.

So what have
I learned
from blogging
from the timeline
from the beginning
this journey
our journey
that has only
really
just begun...

Let go of expectation.
I had so many
expectations
ideas
pictures
in my mind
of how things
should go
but life will go
they way
it's supposed to go
and when you
fight it
you miss it.
Now I think more
in terms of
goals
there is more than
one way to reach
a goal.

Also that
Nothing stays the same.
No one phase
No one emotion
whether good
or bad
it's not forever.
Life goes on.
Growth
Change
Time happens
whether fast
or slow
it will go.

And lastly
I create my normal.
Normal is
what I do
and my life
what I blog
is my normal.

Ok so there
I did it
Timeline
officially
up to date!

Happy Spring

Ahhh Spring...

the weather
has been so
absolutely amazing
that we have been
outside
everyday
for like a week
straight
so rare and
so beautiful
to witness
the re-birth of
the outdoors
and to witness it
this time
with them
heaven
heaven to my senses
heaven to my soul

Nelly finally learned
her best spot
her favorite spot
is laying in the sun
rather then
getting run over
by the backyard-igans.

So while
Daddy did
Daddy things

He pushed the car

and pushed it
some more

while She followed
my lead
where's your hair
where's your eyes
where's your nose
where's your tongue

give the Azalea bush
a kiss, she did
give the Azalea bush
high five, she did

This was a
full circle moment
right here

I planted the
Azalea bush
in full bloom
one spring
with hope
the following spring
it had only
two blossoms
I was pregnant
with twins
last spring
it did bloom
this spring
She just kissed it
She just blessed it
it was like
Her spirit just knew
She was home
I wonder
if it will bloom
this year...

And then She
high fived
the newborn plant
right next to it
on her own.

My Miracle
My Azalea
in my
backyard.

Then it was time
to go in
dirty with the earth
of Spring

So with that
comes Spring
cleaning.

For the first time
they helped

I'm not sure
if this is
cleaning
or making
a bigger
mess?!

Once the pan
was pretty much
empty
the real cleaning
began
let's just say
my kitchen floor
has never been
cleaner!

By the way
it's just soapy
water
not floor cleaner.  ;)

I had to
laugh
when I was
on my hands and knees
cleaning the floor
and Easton was trying to
clean the bottoms of
my feet
and Azalea was spotted
not cleaning
the floor.

Happy Spring
Everyone

Check out
this Egg!

It lives outside
near Our Tree.

Eggs & the Eye

 


My husband and I
made these Eggs
together
well I set out to
do it alone
and he ended up
getting roped in
ha, pun intended.

I can't help
but notice
how the process
and product
of them
parallels
our life
in many ways
but especially with
Easton's Eye.

The green Egg
is my husband's
the only one
he did completely
on his own.

I love it
for so many reasons
but considering
Easton had an
Eye Dr. apt.
yesterday
lately I've been
drawn to it
for a source of
strength
and
inspiration.

The yellow Egg
is one of mine
that turned out
"correctly"
I managed to do
everything right
the string is straight
the egg shape is even.

This is how
I try to be
a perfectionist
and very much so
with Easton's Eye
I will do
whatever it takes
to give my son
the best vision
possible.

I am so very happy
to say
it's working
we have managed
to manage
the glaucoma
both of his eyes
had the same
pressure readings
16!

However
it can't always
be perfect
all the time
in every way
I've learned that
and I can say
it will still
work out.

The blue Egg
shows just that
it started out
great
and then somewhere
towards the end
we got a knot
in the string.

Of course
I was disappointed
and frustrated
but I didn't give up
I just decided
it was
what
it was
and I finished
anyway
the best I could.

Easton and Azalea
will be 18 months old
very soon
and the tide has
seemed to change
with how Easton
handles the Eye
especially at the Dr. apt.
for the first time
he was not very
cooperative
but
it was what it was
and we got through it
anyway
the best we could.


So this is where
you might think
the story ends
but no
it gets worse
but not
really.
;)

The purple Egg
the one I thought
would be great
I had already
done a few
I got the hang of it
I thought it would be
quick and easy.

Think again
knots
all knots
from the very
beginning
but I loved
the color
and wanted
it to work
so badly.
I just took it
all of it
and once again
just did it
made it work
the best
I could.

Well we drove
home
happy
grateful
Easton's Eye
was all we could
hope for.

the kids had lunch
the kids took a nap
Easton was up
but without his contact
I looked in his crib
and there it was
wow, I found it
so easily
this is great!

Wrong
it was all
dried up
cracked
ripped
broken
done
game over
so bummed.

But we had
a new one
for days just like
this
and that was it
all I could do
the best
I could
hope
for.

There it is
Eggs on a String
Life on a String
Life with Easton's Eye

Easton's Eye - Part 7

Ok I know
you are wondering
how many parts
is she gonna write?!
how long is this
timeline gonna go on?!

We are close
the plan was to
catch up to
when I started
blogging
July 2011
considering everything
after that
is already on here.

May 2011
Easton and Azalea
were 8 months old

raising infant twins
was no easy task
add a third child
"the Eye"
and it really wasn't
till about here
when I finally felt
like I could
ohhh what's the word
function?

I mean I was
functioning
but not consciously
I was not aware
I was not deliberate
I had no plan
anything before
this point
was strictly
in the moment
only what needs
to be done
now.

So yeah May
May was wonderful
and a little wide-eyed
all at the same time

reflective
rewarding
revitalizing

Fortunately
obviously
up to this point
I had been home
and it was time
to make more decisions
my school my work
allows me to take
up to 2 years of
a leave of absence
I had already
taken 1 year
where did the time go?!
what does this
have to do again
with Easton's Eye?

Well at the time
I thought I was
making the decision
to stay home
on my own
willingly
wanting to
raise my children
but looking back
I think the Eye
had more of an
influence
on my decision
than I was willing
to admit.

How would we
get the contact in
before work
6:30 am was not
when he was sleeping
actually he would be
awake
very awake!?

Who was going to
constantly
check to see
if the contact was in?
I myself had to
tell myself
train myself
Easton has a special need
he requires that I
literally look in his Eye
every 15 minuets
someone was going to
do that?!

Who was going to
be able to find it
when it falls out
pretty much every other
hour?!

Who would comfort
entertain them
him
while patching?

How would he patch
when the contact falls out
and it doesn't get
put back in?

I didn't have
answers
to these very real
questions.
So I called
my work and
told them
I would be taking
another semester off
I'm sorry but
it's just something
I want to
(had to)
do.

This is where
Gratitude
just fills
my heart
my soul
my spirit
I am fortunate
I am thankful
I am so very
grateful.

My work
My husband
My mom
My life
has aligned
has allowed
me
to do this
for them
for him
for the Eye.

Otherwise
I just can't
imagine
and I know
some families
I am sure
have had to.

May 23
Another day
I will never
forget
the day I sat down
and wrote a
Thank you letter
to our
contact specialist,
Chuck.

This pic of Easton was on the front of the card, sporting his new contact that fit!

Yes, I knew him
on a personal basis
just as he now
knew me.
Hi Chuck,
it's Amanda
Easton's mom.
Yes, I know.
Of course he knew.
There was no other
person he probably
spoke to more
than me... ever.

This man cared
he knew
the importance
he knew
the frustration
and he didn't
give up.
He went to a
"contact conference"
in search of
the fit
the curve
just for
Easton's Eye.

Contacts
who would have
ever imagined
that a tiny, clear
curve
the curve of
perfection
literally cup shaped
not saucer shaped
like most contacts
this curve
would change
everything.

It only took
about 6 months
and
at least a dozen
other contacts
trials and ERRORS
LOST
lost and found
lost and not found
lost and replaced
countless
countless times
countless hours
spent
earned
to reach
this point
this one
the one contact
that fit.

The glory
of the moment
lasted
it brought tears
to my eyes
for days
shock
amazement
gratitude doesn't even
describe
this feeling.

When something
so tiny
so seemingly insignificant
holds so much
power
and when some of
that power
is harnessed
and put to use
in a way
that makes all
the pain
the tears
the sorrow
worth it...

My letter
words
of appreciation
was the least
I could do
for Chuck.
He, who was just
doing his job
changed
everything.

To be clear here
finding the right
fit
did not mean
it was easy
to put in
or get on
Easton's Eye
did not mean
it stayed in
his Eye always
and
did not mean
it could stay in
his Eye for more
than a day.

This fit
this custom made
extremely curved
contact
did not pop off
did not flip out
did not blink out
did not slide
did not flute
it simply
fit.

It fit an infant
a baby who
played
rubbed
cried
and still managed
to loose
a contact
that fit
but none the less
it was
the one
the one that
let me
breathe easier
sleep better
and
smile wider.