The Beginning

This was the day
of the beginning
of the eye.
We have officially
hit the one year mark.
Ohhhh only about
nine more years to go.
But hey
one tenth
of the way!

My babies
were still not
home.
In fact, big boy
had to be transfered
via ambulance
to Children's Hospital,
not the hospital where
they were born.
So little girl
was left behind.
Each of them
now alone
as individuals
for the first time.

Mommy and Daddy
were visiting
two babies in
two different hospitals,
daily.
Honestly I don't even
really remember it all.
It was all just
so overwhelming
that I just did
what needed to be done
in each moment.

I remember
little things like
him looking so tiny
at three weeks old.
They wheeled
him away,
So innocent
So ignorant
of what was
about to happen.

I remember
the knot in my stomach
and not crying
but wanting to
really wanting to
but not
because if I did
I was afraid
I wouldn't stop.

I remember
seeing him after
the surgery
knowing it was more,
worse
than what we thought
but still not really knowing
what would become of
the eye.

Funny how
in these moments
you find strength
that you don't even know
you really have.
Moments
taking each moment
as they come.

When we said good night
that night
having to leave
our brave baby boy,
the lights were low
the monitors were beeping
the machines were humming,
I leaned in
and he knew
Mommy was here.
His breathing picked up
his body was warm
he smelled so sweet,
I wanted to pick him up
I wanted to take him away
I wanted it all to
just stop.
But I didn't
I knew I couldn't
I knew it wouldn't,
a NICU mom knows
learns really fast that
tomorrow is a new day
tomorrow is one day closer
to coming home.

I didn't have the heart
to take any photos
that day
that marked
the beginning.
But here are
both
of them
the next day.
As I said good night
yet again
like I had before
and would again.
But knowing
we were one more day
closer to
home.

I know he's got big cheeks, but these one's are still swollen from surgery.

She may not be next to big brother, but she can still sleep in the same position as him... so cute!