Acceptance

I'm trying.
I really am.
To just accept it all.

He seems to be
so I guess I should too.
And in so many ways
I already have.
But the little twinges
that pull at my heart
will they ever go away?!

I don't think its about appearance.
Not anymore.
He is who he is.
I mean look at that face!
With or without a patch
he is way too adorable.

Its more in the moments
when for a second
I see him struggle.
I see him over or under reach.
I see him rub his patch.
I see him itch his contact eye.
Quick, fleeting moments
that pass very quickly
and then life goes on.

We all struggle though really.
I suppose the lesson is
universal.
There are moments with her too.
She has come a long way
to her feisty credit.
Physical Therapy
Occupational Therapy
It hasn't been easy for her either.

But she's moving
all too well lately.
And she's eating
at her own pace and preference.

I don't think any mother
likes to see their child
struggle.
So young though
they are.
Why?
Why have my children had to
struggle
from the very beginning.
It's the nature of the beast
I guess?
Growth
Learning
it only comes with a price.

So what is it
that I am trying to
accept...
Disabilities
Challenges
Motherhood
Life
All of the above I suppose
for myself and
for my children.

I know I am
getting there though

with every painful twinge
immediately following

I am filled with an
overwhelming

sense of
pride.

Grateful

I really don't know
what is cuter...
her, with her finally chubby cheeks
and newly sprouted pony atop her head
OR the perfectly printed pink giraffe
seeing the distance
in style and with bling?!
Yes, I know.

Her!
She knows,
trust me
that she's cute!  :)
AND
the distance that we've traveled
that we are still traveling
and will continue to travel.
The giraffe is just the reminder
of how we continue to
see the distance
with
love
and gratitude.

I am feeling grateful.
We've come this far.
What a distance it's been.
But we are here.
And I finally can see
that the distance
as unknown as it may be
is nothing we can't travel
if we do it
together.

These two
together
have taught me
how to
see the distance.
Even when obstacles get in the way
we have each other
to help us
overcome.
Sure time helps
reflecting on the journey.
But when your walking
through the moment
and  it seems like there is
no end in sight
reach out
and someone
or something
will show you the way.

Nothing gets in his way.
He does it all
with one eye
with one contact
with one sticky patch on his face.
But he doesn't do it
alone.
We are here.
His sister is here.
He is
seeing the distance!

Dare I say
our life is becoming
normal.
Easton lets me put the contact in.
There is no more crying.
There is no more resistance.
He just knows
the routine
the contact
is his normal.
The patching is manageable.
And I know that it may get harder
as he gets older.
But that is in the distance
and right now
I am seeing the distance
my children have shown me
all pink and glittery
with love
and gratitude.

Fall faster

I don't know what it is about the Fall
but it's definitely my favorite.
It's coming faster now.
More windy days
bringing in the cooler air.
I hear the rustle of the leaves
waving and applauding
high up in the trees.
Soon they will all fall.
Painted pretty by the season
that brings about change.

We've been visiting
our tree
more frequently now.
Trying to squeeze in
every last moment of
the great outdoors.
They absolutely love
being outside.
Who doesn't really?!
We spend our afternoons
exploring.
They explore the environment.
I explore them.
their personalities
their likes and dislikes
their subtle sameness
their obvious differences

It's probably no coincidence
that my babies were born in
the Fall.
They are entering
Fall faster as well.
11 months
They are.
It's going as quick as
the cool winds of change.
And changing
They are.
Into people whom I
Fall faster
in Love with
MORE
each day.

Back to...

I'm NOT going back
to school
to work
this year.
I just realized
this is the first time
in a long time
that I am not going back.

I started school
when I was 4.
I went to college
when I was 17.
I went to grad school
when I was 21.
I started teaching Art
when I was 23.
Last year I went back
for 1 week.
That still counts!

I am 30.
And it feels kinda weird.
Usually I start to feel it,
actually I do feel it.
The beginning of something.
the anticipation
the excitement
the possibilities
But I won't be going
back.

Most people feel the start  
of a new year in January.
But for me its always been
the start of a new school year.
The crisp air rolls in.
The leaves begin to change.
And you begin to prepare.

This year my bag is packed
but not with school supplies.
Now I have...
hats, jackets, socks
diapers, wipes, bottles, bibs
contact case, solution, patches
and more, lots more!

This year's lessons are not planned.
I've learned from that mistake.
Once you have a plan
with TWO growing, going babies
the plan quickly changes.
So this year instead of going back
I'm going to go forward
into motherhood.

Where no new sneakers are required.
No morning announcements
No bell schedule
No free periods
No names to learn
just 2 students this year
and 1 mom...
Learning
Laughing
Loving
and Living

This picture...

warms my heart
and breaks it at the same time.
What is in the way
Azalea's head or
the patch?
Some pictures are taken on purpose
and some just happen.
Some I keep
and some I delete.
I didn't have the heart
to delete this one.
Looking through all the pics
of our day
under the big tree
crawling in the grass
this is Easton's brightest smile.
He has a twinkle in his eyes.
I see it.
I know it.
I am his mom.
Am I the only one?
Does only a mother
love
this face?

Little League

A year ago Daddy came home
with these shirts.
We watch the World Series games on TV each year.
But last year while I sat home pregnant
he got to travel there with some friends.
I remember thinking
wow t-shirts, not onesies?!
wow 9 months...
Oh and 12 months?!
Two different sizes?
And so big?!

At the time I was still thinking that I was having twins.
You know, the kind that are similar.
I knew that they were different.
But I didn't KNOW that they were different.
When I got their clothes ready
I had all the newborn boy and girl stuff.
Then I had all the 3 month boy and girl stuff.
Not once did it occur to me
that they were REALLY different sizes.

Rick actually bought the different sizes on accident.
He said, OHHHH really?!
Kind of disappointed.

I thought they were cute anyway.
I just washed em and said oh well.
I put em away for
the day
that seemed SOOOOO far away

when they would wear them.

The day is here!
And who knew...
One big shirt for one big boy.
One lil shirt for one lil girl.
I simply can NOT believe it.
It's happening.
They are growing.
Right before my very eyes.

The red chair even...
they are out growing the chair!!!
I've taken their picture in the red chair
several times now.
They never used to almost touch!
What am I gonna do when they

can't even fit in it together?!

See!
Look!
They've grown!
And they are gonna keep growing.
That's the scary part!
Its all just going
so fast now.
Faster than I ever imagined.
I am starting to feel the year
come to a close.
I am remembering
clearly
how things were just the other day.

Like Halloweeen,
Easton had just come home.
Azalea was still in the NICU.
I took their pictures
with lil baby pumkins next to them.
I left Azalea her pumpkin
just for Halloween night.
But this year it will be
the 2nd time around!
I still remember the 1st time
like yesterday!!!

I'm starting to photograph
everything
like a mad woman.
Trying to hang on to each moment.
I suppose that is life though.
Always moving
changing
growing
into something new.
It's exciting too, I'll admit.
Witnessing life.
Living life.

But my babies!!!
They are only going to fit
in my arms
for so long.

Little League 2011
Here we come!

Services

To need them
or not to need them
that was the question.
Easton had a vision eval.
I just wanted to make sure.
I know he can see.
But how well?
Does only using one eye impact his development?

Apparently not!
That was good news.
He passed
or should I say didn't qualify for services.
She noticed that he under/over reaches.
Using one eye impacts the ability to see
space, three-dimensional space.
He will have to adapt to where he is and
where things are
in space.
I have noticed it at times too.
But I guess that is just all part of his journey.

She also said that once he starts walking
and using stairs
that will be an adjustment as well.
Moving through space.
In many ways I am so glad
he is developing just fine!
But the unknown
not being able to really relate
to his world
haunts me.

I know he is ok.
I know he is healthy.
I know he knows no different.
I know he will adapt.

But it was all just another reminder
of the challenges he faces.
The different world
The different perspective
The different journey
that he is experiencing
and I am not.

I guess that would be true of
anyone's life though.
Being a mom
has made me so aware
aware of how my children experience
life
the day
everything.

I am not them.
I am here for them.
I am at their service.
Forever.

It's working!

We have a new routine.
We decided to make it a family affair.
The kids are up around 7am.
Before they eat by 7:30.
And before Daddy leaves for work.
We ALL support Easton and his contact.
Mommy puts it in.
Daddy helps hold and entertain.
Azalea provides the background music.
Nelly brushes our legs with her tail.
And the star of the show...
Easton is swaddled and on the changing table.

Lately, its been working!
Dare I hold my breath with that one.
I think Easton knows the difference.
It used to be just him and I.
Daddy was at work already.
Azalea would be in the bouncer.
And we would try to make it work.
I think those days were important though.
We needed to get used to the process.
Together.
Just the two of us and the contact.

But now it's better.
Some days are still better than others.
But it's working!
Having everyone there just helps.
I feel the support which calms me down.
And more importantly, I know Easton feels it too.
He even will laugh and look at Daddy and sis
while I am poking him in the eye
trying to adjust the fit of his contact.
Hey that is what family is all about,
rallying together for a contact lens!
We've certainly come a long way
from it wedging it's self between me and my son
to it bringing my family together.

Getting the patch on is a whole separate process.
Keep in mind I used to do ALL of this
while he was sleeping.
We've had to get creative.
Once the contact is in, they get to eat.
While in their high chairs
I start applying the milk of magnesia.
(it helps protect his skin from the adhesive)
After going through several patches
that just wouldn't stick
I've learned the milky stuff has to be
completely DRY!
Easton eats puffs while this is all going down.

Then comes the tricky, sticky part, ha.
Trying to stick the patch on a moving target.
Not easy.
And not just anywhere.
Over his entire eye.
Placed so that all sticky stuff
has some skin to stick to.
Otherwise it will come off!
I've learned that placement is a good enough game.
As long as it is on and good enough
leave it! leave it! leave it!
There is no turning back.
And with my obsession with perfection,
this one was a hard one to leave.
too high
too low
too far on his nose
too this way
too that way

just leave it!
It's working...
for now.

She grabs for everything, but not the patch?!  Yet...

Twins

I never imagined having 2!
Not when I was little.
Not when I was dreaming.
Not when I was at an Infertility clinic.
Not ever.

When I was little...
I did have dolls but they were never twins.
I did play house but not even really for the kids.
I played house for the husband.
Ha!  Isn't that funny!?
I remember silly things like making him dinner.

The only time I ever remember playing with twins
was when I played the board game, Life.
I remember sometimes you could add twins to your car.
All it was though was just 2 plastic pegs.
I would stick 2 tiny, same colored pegs in the tiny toy car
and that was it!
On our marry way we went in the game of Life.
Oh if it were only that simple!

Whenever I dreamed of having children
it was one at a time!
I would think about the pregnancy.
And the delivery.
And bringing home one bundle of joy.
And at some point maybe deciding to have more.

Even at the Infertility clinic.
At this point, my step-sister had already had a set of identical girls.
I mean really how many sets of twins does one family have!
I wasn't even getting pregnant.
How could I have twins?

What are the chances.
20%
There was a 20% chance.
I thought for sure I would be in the 80%.
And that was IF I could get pregnant.

Then we found out.
We were pregnant AND...
What's that the sono nurse just said?
This MIGHT be a second sack.
I will have to see what the Dr. thinks, she tells us.
At this point we are literally looking at a tiny black spot.
Among millions of other tiny black spots.
But only the "sacks" were perfectly round.
I had a big one and MAYBE a little one.

So am I having twins?
The Dr. calls it Vanishing Twin.
Oh honey, he says.
You are so early in your pregnancy.
This might be something BUT
considering it's size it probably will just...
just what?
stop developing and become absorbed.
It happens often, he says.
But most women usually don't even know.

So there we have it.
We walk out of the office.
Sonos in hand.
Happy, very happy!
And wondering, wishing, wanting?
Scared.
Absorbed, he said.
When?
Am I having twins?
Am I not having twins?
They told us most likely not.
But we'll have to wait and see.

Week after week.
Sono after sono.
Baby B grows.
Behind?
Smaller?
Baby B has a heart beat!
Really!?
Does this mean I am having twins?
Well...
We'll just have to wait and see, they say.

So I truly never imagined having twins.
I really didn't even let myself believe that I was pregnant.
I mean I know I was pregnant.
I even knew there was 2!
I did all the things that pregnant people do.
I registered for 2 of everything.

But I also had a wall.
A wall that I was hoping I wouldn't have to use.
But it was there.
There to protect me just in case.
There to keep me from fully believing.
There to keep me from fully enjoying.

Three days before I delivered.
I was in a wedding.
Waddling around, trying to dance.
When I realized...
I am pregnant.
I am far enough.
If I go into labor now.
Baby A AND baby B have a really good chance.
It was then that I imagined having twins.
And gee right in time.
Three days later
I was a new mom of twins.

My Furry Baby

How sweet is she!

She's 3 today...
Happy Birthday Princess Penelope!
We call her Nelly.
She will always be our first born.

My favorite photo of her... ever!!!

Her first trip in the backyard, it was tough to get her to stop and take a quick pic.

It took us forever to get pregnant.
We tried on our own for about a year.
Then we went to an Infertility Specialist.
We did all the diagnostic tests.
Both of us.
Diagnosis... Unexplained Infertility.
Huh, ok well at least there is nothing wrong?!
But double huh, why is this not happening?!

Drugs and Procedures.
More drugs, More procedures.
Feeling Hopeful.
Feeling Heartbroken.
Somewhere in the middle of all that
we had our furry baby, Nelly.

The first day we brought her home.

I really didn't want a dog.
My husband talked me into it.
I wanted the kids first, the dog second.
But, she was there for us.
She was the joy in the middle of the misery.
She was in my arms when they felt so empty.
And she continues to be there for us.

After two years of drugs and procedures.
We finally got pregnant!
Nelly knew.
I don't know how to explain it, but she did.
Even though my lap was getting smaller,
she still found a way to lay on Mommy.

Taking a nap after a baby shower, Nelly has her paw on my belly.

Nelly is the best big sister.
She loves her brother and sister.
And they love her.
Easton is always watching her.
He gets a big belly laugh going just watching her tail.
And Azalea tries to pet her.
Tries because Nelly knows those little fingers don't let go.
I love that they are growing up with her around.
This time I will say,
My husband was right!

Easton is cracking up over watching her!

Nelly is actually smiling in our family photo on Easter.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I can do this.
Sometimes I get the contact in on the first try.
Sometimes it stays in all day.
Sometimes we reach patch time goal.
Sometimes this feels normal.

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this.
Sometimes it takes 20 min. before I get the contact in.
Sometimes my hands start shaking.
Sometimes I can feel Easton's heart beating while I am trying to get it in.
Sometimes I just hold him tight and we try again later.

Sometimes I see the contact fall out.
Sometimes I find it on my knee, on the floor, in his hair, on his butt.
Sometimes I find it on the tip of Azalea's finger.
Sometimes I find the contact days, weeks later.
Sometimes I don't find the contact at all.

Sometimes I forget that Easton has a patch on his face.
Sometimes his smile is actually bigger than the size of his patch.
Sometimes the twinkle in his eyes can be seen even through the patch.
Sometimes he laughs while I'm putting the patch on.
Sometimes I feel progress.

Sometimes my heart breaks when I put the patch over his sweet little face.
Sometimes he is immediately annoyed.
Sometimes he just keeps rubbing and rubbing and rubbing the patch.
Sometimes I know he is crying because he wants the patch off.
Sometimes I feel like giving up.

Sometimes I feel alone.
Sometimes this is too much for me.
Sometimes I notice all the tension I'm holding in my body.
Sometimes I just don't understand why.
Sometimes I wish his eye will just magically heal.

Sometimes I know I'm not the only one.
Sometimes I believe everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes I just take a deep breath.
Sometimes reading a blog helps.
Sometimes writing a blog helps.